


Rumours (Not by Fleetwood Mac)

by Grandmommyissues



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., Real Person Fiction
Genre: Age Difference, America, Among Us, Crack, Crack Fic, Dance Moms, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fights, Gay, Group Chat Fic, Group chat, It Gets Worse, M/M, Politics, Social Media Fic, Twitter, USA, aoc plays among us, because if we got help, but its all good, diary entries, did i down three monsters before posting this? yes, i got bored one day and roped my friend into this, im so sorry, mentions of Barron Trump, mostly - Freeform, odd pairings, physical fights, political fic, political gc fic, political group chat, so much crack yall, this gem wouldnt exist, this is so cracky, we need serious help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28940079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grandmommyissues/pseuds/Grandmommyissues
Summary: "It's me, Jessi and Ari. if they test me, they're sorry." Melania sang to herself as she watched America unravel in front of her
Relationships: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez/Kamala Harris, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez/Riley Roberts, Barack Obama/Michelle Obama, Donald Trump/Melania Trump, Donald Trump/Mike Pence, Douglas Emhoff/Kamala Harris, Jill Biden/Michelle Obama, Joe Biden/Barack Obama, Joe Biden/Jill Biden, Mike Pence/Karen Pence
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter One: Panic! at the White House

**Author's Note:**

> CheetoMan = Donald Trump  
> Secret Gay/Panicked Gay = Mike Pence  
> King Barack = Barack Obama  
> Daddy Biden = Joe Biden  
> Bad Bitch = AOC  
> Aunty Kamala = Kamala Harris  
> Melatonin = Melania Trump  
> Mommy Pence = Karen Pence  
> Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Michelle Obama  
> Dr. Hot Ass Bitch = Jill Biden  
> Mr. X Bad Bitch = Riley Roberts  
> Uncle Doug: Doug Emhoff

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 6:17 am  _

_ CheetoMan: Hey sinners, today I’m gonna say some stupid shit, don’t worry bout it tho. _

_ King Barack: When don’t you say stupid shit? _

_ Bad Bitch: What exactly r you gonna say this time Cheeto? _

_ CheetoMan: I said don’t worry bout it  _

_ Secret Gay: Yeah, he said don’t worry bout it. Back off  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Seriously though my niece is watching the news today, what you bout to say? _

_ Daddy Biden: Ya, I mean like Jill’s watching and she gets angry sometimes. I’m tryna prepare her. _

_ CheetoMan: UGH since you keep asking, I’m just gonna tell a few thousand people to raid the Capitol. No biggie, homefry  _

_ CheetoMan has left the chat  _

_ Aunty Kamala: We did it JOE!! We Did It! _

_ Daddy Biden: I’m gonna be the next President of the United States Bitchess _

_ Secret Gay: Can y’all stop. You made Trump cry :( You know how emotional he gets when you mention being President D: _

_ Bad Bitch: How do y’all know we made him cry? _

_ Secret Gay: He came crying to my room, duh  _

_ King Barack: Look at this dumb ass bitch crying *sends video of trump crying that he took a while ago* _

_ Secret Gay: sToOOOooOp! He’s really sad now! :(:(:(:( I don’t like it when he’s sad D:  _

_ Bad Bitch: OHH Are you two datiiinnng _

_ Secret Gay: EW NO I’m not gay _

_ Daddy Biden: Homophobic _

_ Secret Gay: I’m not homophobic, I have gay friends  _

_ Aunty Kamala: YEahhh Okayyy “Im NoT hOmOPhOBiC”  _

_ Bad Bitch: You mean YOU’RE the gay friend  _

_ King Barack: It’s true, I read his diary. He talks a lot about Trump. Very graphic shit in there. I’m scarred for life.  _

_ Secret Gay: Ya’ll stoppp, now I’m crying. I’ll be back. I have to go listen to Ari’s new album real quick.  _

_ Secret Gay has left the chat  _

_ Daddy Biden: Awe, now you and your boyfriend can cry together  _

_ Aunty Kamala: We Did It Joee!! We Did It!!! _

_ Daddy Biden: I’m gonna be the next President of the United States! _

_ Bad Bitch: Can you two shut the fuck up  _

_ King Barack: No they can’t, I’m proud of my little guy. I mean Daddy Biden, I mean Joe. _

_ Aunty Kamala: Daddy Biden? Wtf. Are you cheating on Michelle?  _

_ King Barack: Mayyybbe??  _

_ Bad Bitch: OH WOW  _

_ King Barack: Oh please, we all know she has a thing for Jill  _

_ Daddy Biden: WHATT?? _

_ Aunty Kamala: PERIODTT _

_ KingBarack has left the chat  _

##  *Meanwhile*

##  **Bad Bitches of America**

_ 7:30 am  _

_ Melatonin: So guess what stupid shit Donald did today  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: What did he do? It’s not even 8 in the morning  _

_ Mommy Pence: YUHH, Get into itt!! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Karen, have you been on tik tok again? We talked about this, you can’t stay up all night on tik tok!  _

_ Mommy Pence: UGHH!! Shut up Mom, it’s not a phase!! _

_ Melatonin: Sorry I was busy cleaning up Donalds shit. _

_ Uncle Doug: What did he do? Kamala keeps yelling while texting and it scares me. She keeps saying “We did it Joe. We did it!”  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: REALLY?! Joe keeps yelling “I’m gonna be the next President of the United States”  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Hey y’all, AOC just told me some SPILLING HOT BOILING TEA!! _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: What did she say?  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: I can’t say but Melania gotta watch out.  _

_ Uncle Doug: Then what was the point of you telling us you had tea. :( _

_ Mommy Pence: And you did this for what!?!? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: NO MORE KAREN _

_ Melatonin: What do I have to look out for? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Your Man  _

_ Melatonin: What about “My Man”? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Oops, gotta blast. _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ Mommy Pence: That’s suspicious…. That’s weird  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Karen, I swear to god. Also Karen I just saw your new insta post, what are you even wearing? _

_ Uncle Doug: Oh my god, just make out already🙄 _

_ Mommy Pence: Respect the drip Karen!! _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Honey, that’s your name…  _

_ Mommy Pence: No one here understands me *sighs dramatically and looks out the window*  _

_ Melatonin: Alright gotta blast, people be storming the Capitol *peace sign and pouts lips* _

_ Melatonin has left the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: What the fuck  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Damn Jill, since when did you swear _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Since Donald became president  _

_ Uncle Doug: Funny, that’s when Kamala started throwing shoes  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Aight Queens, I gotta go, Barack is getting emotional and I need to comfort him before he rage shops online again  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry has left the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Sooo KAren, what’s you secret gay up to today? _

_ Mommy Pence: I can’t talk right now  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Why? _

_ Mommy Pence: I’m doing hot girl shit _

_ Mommy Pence has left the chat _

_ Uncle Doug: Ooo the girls are fighting  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Not you too _

##  _ *Later in the evening around 4:20pm* _

Melania walks in on cheetotrump and our secret gay Pence, kissing. Their mouths were sloppy and almost too wet. Before making her presence known, Melania snapped a picture for proof then coughed loudly. “It’s about time.” she said. Pence turned around quickly and slithered like a snake into a little hole he had cut out previously, so he could access his “fine ass” Cheetoman at any time of day. “Ivanka, this isn’t what it looks like!” Trump insisted as him and his corn husk looking hair flopped down the hall running after Melania. “This bitch called me Ivanka again. Weird ass mother fucker.” Melania mumbled before locking herself in her room and pulling out her phone.

##  *Three seconds later in the Bad Bitches of America groupchat*

##  **Bad Bitches of America**

_ 4:40 pm  _

_ Melatonin: Bad Bitches, I report, Bad Bitches  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Reporting for duty  _

_ Mommy Pence: YUHH, Get Into Ittt!! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: KARENNN!! You have to stop watching TikTok.  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: I’m here _

_ Uncle Doug: What’s the problem, your highness? _

_ Melatonin: Look what I saw _

_ Melatonin: *Photo Attached*  _

_ Melatonin: And this mother fucker called me Ivanaka again _

_ Mommy Pence: YUHHH, Get INTO ITTT!! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I can’t even disagree with that, get into ittttt! _

_ Uncle Doug: Are you two not upset? Your husbands are cheating on you _

_ Melatonin: It was so obvious. I was over it a while ago  _

_ Mommy Pence: Yeah same. I don’t care. They kinda cute tbh. _

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 5:09 pm  _

_ Secret Gay has changed their name to Panicked gay  _

_ Bad Bitch: You embracing it now? _

_ CheetoMan: Melanie walked in on me and my beloved  _

_ King Barack: Melanie? _

_ CheetoMan: Melanie, Melania. Same thing  _

_ Daddy Biden: Is it really thouughh??? _

_ Aunty Kamala: Is that what we’re focusing on, Joe? _

_ Bad Bitch: I mean at least he’s only panicked now, and not trying to hold it in. _

_ Panicked Gay: Karen isn’t even mad. She just keeps quoting Tik Toks.  _

_ Aunty Kamala: So does this mean you’re not homophobic any more Cheeto? _

_ CheetoMan: What does homophobic mean? _

_ CheetoMan: Does it mean I’m against homes? Because that’s untrue  _

_ King Barack: I- _

_ Panicked Gay: Ohhh my godd stop confusing himm. You know he only has an elementary school level of learning. _

_ CheetoMan: Thanks Mikey :D  _

_ Daddy Biden: MIKEY?! BAHAHAHA _

_ Aunty Kamala: You got to admit Joe. They’re kinda cutee together _

_ King Barack: Not as cute as Joe and I >:(  _

_ Bad Bitch: You ain’t even tryna hide it no more,huh? _

_ King Barack: You’re one to talk Miss “I’m-In-Love-With-Kamala”  _

_ Bad Bitch: Don’t expose me OBAMA or shall I say Daddy Biden lover _

_ Aunty Kamala: I’m sorry, YOU WHAT? _

_ Daddy Biden: She loves you  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Wait!?!? Really!?!? _

_ Bad Bitch: Yeah… maybe…  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Me too _

_ Bad Bitch: I mean.. Yeah I was gonna wait until after they stormed the capitol but I just can’t hold in my closeted feelings any longer. _

_ Daddy Biden: Private chats, ladies  _

_ CheetoMan: NOO,go on _

_ King Barack: Shut the fuck up, Trump  _

_ Daddy Biden: Shut the fuck up, Trump  _

_ Aunty Kamala and Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ CheetoMan: What do you think they’re doing? ;)  _

_ King Barack has left the chat _

_ CheetoMan: I bet it’s hot  _

_ Daddy Biden: Why are you like this? _

_ Daddy Biden has left the chat  _

_ CheetoMan: Mikey, meet me in the closet ;)  _

_ Panicked Gay: You got it, daddy ;) _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 7:00pm  _

_ Baby Biden: Heyyyy Queen! _

_ Baby Barack: Hey Joe, what’s up? I’m trying to online shop but Michelle isn’t letting me >:( _

_ Baby Biden: If I was with you, I would let you online shop whenever ;) _

_ Baby Barack: That means so much Joey 🥺 _

_ Baby Biden: It’s true, if I was yours you could get all the Gucci in the world _

_ Baby Barack: Maybe I should leave Michelle then….  _

_ Baby Barack: Because that sounds like a great deal that I can’t pass up on  _

_ Baby Biden: Of course I would expect you to get me Louis Vuitton once in a while _ _   
_ _ Baby Barack: DUH, what kind of boyfriend do you think I am?  _

_ Baby Biden: Is Michelle there tomorrow? I miss you  _ 😔  _ and I wanna see you again. _

_ Baby Barack: Nope, she’s hanging out with Jill. Girls Day or whatever 🙄 _

_ Baby Biden: Sooo that means I can finally see my baby?!?! _

_ Baby Barack: That’s baby Barack to you, sir 😏 _

_ Baby Biden: Ohhh Barack stop flirting with me!! What if Jill sees?! _

_ Baby Barack: Just tell her it’s how ‘best friends’ text, that’s what I tell Michelle and she buys it  _

_ Baby Biden: If only we could be together forever _

_ Baby Barack: In a perfect world😔 _

_ Baby Barack: Quick question, have you noticed how close Jill and Michelle have gotten? Suspicious  _

_ Baby Biden: I mean yeah, but Jill just tells me that's how best friends text 🤷🏼♀️ _

_ Baby Barack: Joe…  _

_ Baby Biden: What cutie? _

_ Baby Barack: Think about what you texted me. How ‘best friends’ text? That’s what I tell Michelle about our texts  _

_ Baby Biden: OMGGG!!! 😮 _

_ Baby Barack: They’re probably lowkey dating behind our backs  _

_ Baby Biden: I wouldn't be surprised lol, I mean they do make a v cute couple _

_ Baby Barack: Should we confront them? Or tell them we know then tell them about us? That way we can see each other whenever we wanted and not just in secret/when Michelle is with Jill at the “spa”  _

_ Baby Biden: I think we should wait until Michelle and Jill come back from the “spa” tomorrow. _

_ Baby Barack: But tomorrow is inauguration day, and I wanna be there with you instead of that blonde bitch :(  _

_ Baby Biden: Just wait one more day baby. We can finally be together after that. _

_ Baby Barack: If you really loved me, you’d be okay with us telling them now :(  _

_ Baby Biden: Okay, I mean if you want. But what if the world doesn’t accept us :( _

_ Baby Barack: I’ll make them accept us :(  _

_ Baby Biden: You can’t do that Barack, people have opinions. Also I find it so insensitive that you can’t wait one day.  _

_ Baby Barack: Jesus Christ, Joe, is it so bad that I want to be the one holding your hand tomorrow instead of some blonde bimbo you picked up on the street forty something years ago?  _

_ Baby Biden: LISTEN OBAMA. She is not just some blonde bimbo, she's my blonde bimbo, and I love her!! Although she can be a little violent, she’s sweet and she’s a doctor. _

_ Baby Barack: BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME?! _

_ Baby Barack: Oh yeah? Well I was a President  _

_ Baby Biden: OH YEAH? Well I’m gonna be the next President of the United States. _

_ Baby Barack: SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT ALREADY  _

_ Baby Barack: Just admit it, you’re embarrassed to be around me _

_ Baby Biden: I could never be embarrassed about being with you honey bun _

_ Baby Barack: Then why don’t you want to hold my hand in public tomorrow :(  _

_ Baby Biden: Listen. I wasn’t gonna tell you like this but I was planning on proposing, and I can’t do that on inauguration day.  _

_ Baby Barack: We’re technically still married to our wives, how the hell were you planning on proposing?  _

_ Baby Biden: Listen, I was gonna put a nice blanket on the ground. Maybe some chocolate strawberries and as we look at the sunset I was gon pull out a big ass diamond to go on yo’ beautiful, dainty hand _

_ Baby Barack: MY HANDS ARE NOT DAINTY! _

_ Baby Biden: Listen Himbo! Why can’t you just accept the nice offering. I’m tryna wife you up. _

_ Baby Barack: Has it occurred to you that we need to get rid of our wives first so you can ‘wife me up’? _

_ Baby Biden: Technically I can propose to you still. I read the law and it is not illegal, just heavily discouraged. _

_ Baby Barack: And what’s Michelle gonna say about the ring on my finger? And what’s Jill gonna say about the missing money you used on it? Didn’t think this through, did you Joe? _

_ Baby Biden: I was gonna tell them ‘bout us tomorrow. But now I don't even know if I wanna get married to your crazy ass. _

_ Baby Barack: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. All I’ve been asking is that we tell them tomorrow and YOU’RE the one that said no-  _

_ Baby Biden: NO you said tell them today!! I said tell them when they come back from the spa tomorrow!!! _

_ Baby Barack: I’m done with this conversation.  _

_ Baby Barack has left the conversation  _

_ Baby Biden: FINE _

_ Baby Biden has left the chat _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 8:00pm  _

_ Queen: Yuuh, get into it _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: I’m breaking up with you if you pull that shit again  _

_ Queen: Lol sorry, you’re so easy to annoy. _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Apology not accepted, you just insulted me again :( :( You made me sad :( :(  _

_ Queen: Ohhh I’m sorry😔 Can I kiss it better? _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: NO _

_ Queen: Fine hoe _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Wow okay, screw you 😦 _

_ Queen: Lol I love you Jill, you know you not a hoe, you’re my hoe. _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: 😳 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: And you’re my hoe 😏 _

_ Queen: Sounds good!👍 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: When are we telling the guys we know about them? It’s painfully obvious and Joe thinks he’s being all sneaky  _

_ Queen: Haha, Why don’t we tell them after we go to the “spa” 😉 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Okie dokie _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: ALSO KAREN KEEPS KISSING ME OFF  _

_ Queen: I know, but you just gotta be calm and collected. _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: It’s hard to stay calm and collected when I want to bash her face in every time she speaks or texts  _

_ Queen: haha, have you tried talking this out with her? Also what exactly is kissing you off? _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Ew why would I ever talk things out with her? And I meant pissing me off*  _

_ Queen: Ohhhhhh, sorry sometimes I’m a little dumb. Hehe you know me!😚✌️ _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: A little dumb is an understatement 🤪 _

_ Queen: Omg Jilll, you’re not wrong  _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: ALSO you didn’t hear it from me, but Hillary is totally crushing on Kamala  _

_ Queen: *gasp* really? I see how it could happen. But Wait!! I thought Kamala was AOC’s #WCW _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Oh, she is. Hillary is trying to win Kamala over. Little does Doug know about any of this. Sucks to be him, I guess 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Queen: Ughh WLW, love to see it!😍😍😍 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Queen: Jill, sweetie.. Are you butt emoji texting me again?  _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: They don’t call me Dr. Hot Pants for nothing! 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Queen: Well I guess if you can’t beat em, you have to join em’ 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: 😳😳😳😳😳 You stole my thing  _

_ Queen: Haha fine I’ll use a different one 😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: I’m gonna go piss the group off! 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 Specifically Karen 🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Queen: Okay!!! I’ll see you there! _

_ Dr. Hot Pants: Love you Michelle <3🤪🤪🤪🤪<3<3  _

_ Queen: Love you too Jill😌😌😌<3 <3<3 _

_ Dr. Hot Pants has left the chat  _

_ Queen has left the chat _

##  *Meanwhile*

##  **Bad Bitches of America**

_ 9:12pm _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Hey Bitches 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Mommy Pence: Avocados from Mexico 🥑🇲🇽 _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Shut the fuck up, pasty ass bitch  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry:  _ _ Hey queen! Girl you have done it again. Constantly raising the bar for us all and doing it flawlessly. I’d say I’m surprised but I know who you are. I’ve seen it up close and personal. girl you make me so proud. _

_ Melatonin: SO update from what happened today. If any of you interrupt me, I’ll send Barron after you and he’s a scary bitch when I take away his fortnite privileges _

_ Melatonin: SO there was a raid at the Capitol today. A bunch of white men broke in today  _

_ Uncle Doug: A WHITE MAN?! NOO!!! Well what did security do about it!?!? _

_ Melatonin: Nothing :/ _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: TYPICAL!! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Can I tell y’all something? _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: I’m always listening queen. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: AWE 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 _

_ Uncle Doug: Get a room y’all _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Nooo🥺🥺🥺 I love my lesbian moms! _

_ Melatonin: I’m- Jill, what were you gonna say? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I think Joe and Barack are seeing each other 🤪 _

_ Mommy Pence: So there you go oh, can’t make a wife out of a hoe  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Permission to deck her? _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Do whatever you want, I support you know matter what, sweetie  _

_ Uncle Doug: I’d be down to seeing you deck her  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Yeah me too  _

_ Melatonin: Same tbh  _

_ Mommy Pence: Try me, bitch  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Rose Gardens @ 3pm tomorrow  _

_ Uncle Doug: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has removed Uncle Doug from the chat  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Okay, I deserved that  _

_ Melatonin: huh? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Oh, it’s me, Dougie :D  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has removed Mr. X Bad Bitch from the chat  _

##  *Meanwhile*

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 10:52pm  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Serious question  _

_ Daddy Biden: What, queen? _

_ Aunty Kamala: What are the signs for depression? _

_ Panicked Gay: Why? _

_ Aunty Kamala: Because AOC dropped her laundry basket and looked up at the sky holding a peace sign and said “Why has God forsaken me?” and now I’m concerned  _

_ CheetoMan: What’s a peace sign? _

_ Daddy Biden: Get with the times, Trumpet  _

_ Panicked Gay: Stop making fun of him _

_ King Barack: Yeah, stop making fun of him, BIDEN  _

_ Bad Bitch: Listen, I don’t have depression. I’m just upset I lost a game of Among Us to Jagmeet Singh. Also, I’m sensing a bit of tension between you two. What’s wrong, kings? _

_ Daddy Biden: Idk, ask BARACK  _

_ King Barack: Oh, REAL mature, BIDEN  _

_ Panicked Gay: Guys, can we not fight? I just really don’t like confrontation. Uhhhhh _

_ Aunty Kamala: Hunny, the tea is spilling today🍵 _

_ CheetoMan: Someone tell me what’s happening before I lose my mind and let more rioters in >:(  _

_ Panicked Gay: Omg, Cheeto….baby, you can’t just let rioters in. _

_ Bad Bitch: If no one is gonna tell me what happened, I’m gonna go back to my game of Among Us with Jagmeet, Trudeau, Queen Liz, and Jacinda. Anyone wanna join?  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Count me in sis! _

_ Daddy Biden: Aren’t you two dating? Why’d you call her ‘sis’? This isn’t Alabama 😳 _

_ Bad Bitch: We’re not dating, we’re just professionally in love _

_ Aunty Kamala: Exactly. Stop bugging us about our relationship when yours is in shambles  _

_ Aunty Kamala and Bad Bitch have left the chat _

_ King Barack: Wow ok, I feel attacked, but whatever 😳😳😳 _

_ CheetoMan: I’ve never been more confused than when I heard that Joe Biden won fairly. _

_ Panicked Gay: What’s happening between you two? _

_ Daddy Biden: Wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy  _

_ King Barack: Yeah, listen all you need to know is I’ve been listening to Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo for the past 2 hours. _

_ Panicked Gay: OMG they fought about Jill. That’s what happened  _

_ CheetoMan: aNd YoU’rE pRoBaBlY wItH tHaT bLoNdE gIrL  _

_ Daddy Biden has left the chat  _

_ King Barack: Look what you did, now I have to console him  _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 11:30pm  _

_ King Barack: Joey, you doing good? _

_ King Biden: Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy? _

_ King Barack: 🤨 _

_ King Barack: I’m sorry for making you feel pressured, can we please move on?  _

_ King Biden: Yes please. I was just trying to act tough. You know I can’t be mad at my little baby boi. _

_ Baby Barack: 🤪🤪🤪🤪 yay we made up 🤪🤪🤪🤪 let’s get ice cream 🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Baby Biden: You’ve been talking to Jill haven’t you? _

_ Baby Barack: What gave it away? 🤨 _

_ Baby Biden: Ummm duh!! You asked me if I wanted ice cream? _

_ Baby Barack: kjqhfjhqwbehqwbehuwqbehjqwb _

_ Baby Barack: Wait, the ice cream gave it away? I always ask you that. Ice cream is your favourite, everyone knows that 🤪 _

_ Baby Biden: true. Idk something about your texts that seem oddly familiar. _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 11:40pm  _

_ Alex: I can’t believe I lost again :( :(  _

_ Alex: This is truly devastating  _

_ Alex: 🥲 _

_ Harris: Honey, I mean Alex you can’t keep playing Among Us, it can’t be healthy for you. You know I care about you… *cough* as a friend  _

_ Alex: You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my mom 😡😤 _

_ Harris: It’S nOT a PhASe MoM hahahaha😂 _

_ Alex: 😡😤😡😤 _

_ Alex: Also that’s such BS ‘as a friend’ my ass  _

_ Harris: hahaha Alexxx, stoppp you know I’m not ready to tell Doug yet. _

_ Alex: Can’t wait till you drop that white boy  _

_ Alex: 🎶So there you go oh, can’t make a wife out of a 🎶 WHITE MAN?! NO! 😂😂😂😂 _

_ Harris: OMG!!! Too true.  _

_ Alex: So when are you gonna drop that white boy?  _

_ Harris: Well when are YOU gonna drop that white boy “RiLEy” _

_ Alex: I already did  _

_ Harris: You did?!?! Wow, I’m surprised I didn’t see anything in the papers. Also, you okay? You need to talk bout that white boy? _

_ Alex: It’s not in the papers because it was a private break up. He’s cool about it. I told him “I like my men how I like my coffee” and he said “But you don’t like coffee” and I said “Exactly” and he said “Cool, we can talk about girls together” and I said “Yeah ahahahaha” *insert frat boy hand movements* and left  _

_ Harris: Oof rough buddy. But also congrats!! _

_ Alex: thAnks bUdDy  _

_ Alex: So no one knows your a major lesbian but ThE BarbZ TriO??? _

_ Harris: Exactly! See you get it.  _

_ Alex: I’m- okay, so when you decide to leave Doug, can we finally go out?  _

_ Harris: Ofc! But there is someone else trying to bark up this tree hunty✌️😝✌️ _

_ Alex: Is it that bitch, Hillary?  _

_ Harris: We reallly need to work on your anger management issues. _

_ Alex: I can take that bitch, she’s 73, she’ll blow over in the wind  _

_ Harris: Omggggg girl stoppp you bout to make me die laughing🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Alex: Also is it weird that I’m like 25 years younger than u?  _

_ Harris: I guess but I feel like Donald and Melania were weirder, so like I don’t think it matters. _

_ Alex: Also, fuck what people will say _

_ Alex: Jagmeet thinks we cute ✌️😝✌️ _

_ Harris: What about Queen Liz? _

_ Alex: The whole Among Us Baddies Chat thinks we cute ✌️😝✌️ _

_ Harris: Well then… I guess I mean, I have to tell everyone now _

_ Alex: Omg no you don’t have too unless you’re ready!!  _

_ Alex: What we don’t do is pressure people to come out!😌 _

_ Harris: Ughh queen!!🙌🙌 We stan!!! That’s why I love you _

_ Harris: Uhhh I mean like you…. _

_ Alex: Bitch I know you love me-  _

_ Harris: Yeah you right _

_ Alex: 😌 _

_ Alex: I’m gonna fight that Clinton mother fucker  _

_ Harris: Alexxx now what we don’t do is fight other unproblematic queens _

_ Alex: Fine, but if she tries to get in our way, Imma beat her ass with my chancla  _

_ Harris I- girl you really gotta work on them anger issues _

_ Alex: This IS how I work out my anger issues, the chancla is the bare minimum 😌 _

_ Harris: I mean I guess if you have too, don’t worry though Hillary could never get in between us _

_ Alex: Because I’m far superior 😌 _

_ Harris: Yes Alex, cause you’re far superior… _

_ Alex: 😮 _

_ Alex: Well then what is it?  _

_ Harris: I’m too shy to say… _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: Please  _

_ Alex: That’s 10 pleases, so now you gotta tell me  _

_ Harris: I don’t feel like that’s a law, but I’m too lazy to check… basically you’re just like really cute _

_ Alex: AWEEEEEE 🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋🥰🥺😋 _

_ Harris: Whaattttt??? It’s truueeee. You’re my booooo. _

_ Alex: I just realized something  _

_ Alex: I’m five years younger than Meena  _

_ Harris: Why do you always have to say this type of shit?!?! _

_ Alex: Meena and I are super close in age  _

_ Alex: Meena and I could be like sisters  _

_ Alex: You’re probably the same age as my mom  _

_ Harris: How do you not know your moms age? _

_ Alex: IDK, it’s not on Google 🤷🏼♀️ _

_ Harris: Hahahah, you’re so funny🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Alex: bUT tbh my mom probably wouldn’t care abt the age diff  _

_ Harris: Probably, I mean she raised such an open minded leftist like you. I bet she’s just as fine as you. _

_ Alex: NOT YOU FLIRTING WITH MOM  _

_ Harris: Whatttt? I’m just saying she might be cute 😜 _

_ Alex: Blanca Ocasio Cortex is NOT here for this and nor am I  _

_ Harris: I’m sorry for flirting with your mom with no consent, wasn’t cool of me🤪✌️ _

_ Alex: Thank you 😌 If you kept that up, I was gonna go flirt with Meena to piss you off  _

_ Harris: NOT FLIRTING WITH MY NIECE _

_ Alex: She’s hot, she could get it  _

_ Harris: Sis stop!!!!  _

_ Alex: She’s probably better at kissing than you-  _

_ Harris: Alexxxxxx!!! Stopppppp! I don’t like thissss. _

_ Alex: I'M JUST MESSING AROUND IM SORRY  _

_ Harris: It’s ok, I deserved it lol I shouldn’t have called your mom cute or whateva. _

_ Alex:😌 K Imma go play with the Boissssss love you bye 😌 _

_ Harris: Okiii byeee✌️😜✌️ _

_ Alex has left the chat  _

_ Harris has left the chat _


	2. Chapter Two: Inauguration Day Part One: Madness Ensues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's me, Jessi, and Ari. If they test me, they're sorry." Melania said as she watched America unravel around her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CheetoMan = Donald Trump  
> Secret Gay/Panicked Gay = Mike Pence  
> King Barack = Barack Obama  
> Daddy Biden = Joe Biden  
> Bad Bitch = AOC  
> Aunty Kamala = Kamala Harris  
> Melatonin = Melania Trump  
> Mommy Pence = Karen Pence  
> Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Michelle Obama  
> Dr. Hot Ass Bitch = Jill Biden  
> Mr. X Bad Bitch = Riley Roberts  
> Uncle Doug: Doug Emhoff

##  Wednesday, January 20th, 2021: Inauguration Day:

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ It’s me, President-Elect, Joe Biden. I know what you’re thinking. Why am I still the President-Elect, and not the President? Well, it’s because today is my Inauguration Day, and by 12pm EST, I’ll be the 45th, wait no, I mean 46th President of the United States. But honestly do we even count that guy?It’s currently 7am and Jill and I just left the house. We’re currently in the car, on our way to the White House. Can’t wait to move in and show Kamala around! Barack and I are gonna have sleepovers like we did when he was President!!  _

_ Xoxo, Joseph R. Biden  _

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 8:00am  _

_ Cheetoman: Hey Joey! Sorry I couldn’t come to the inauguration. I just really needed to head back home. _

_ Daddy Biden: First off, don’t ever call me ‘Joey’ again, second off, no one cares that you’re not here. :)  _

_ King Barack: I just wanna say y’all are not ready for Michelle’s outfit today. She serving🙌👣 _

_ Daddy Biden: But I look better :)))))) _

_ King Barack: You sure do 😉😉😉😉 _

_ Aunty Kamala: Can y’all keep it in ur pants for five minutes? Thank you  _

_ Bad Bitch: Yeah! I mean honestly you don’t see me and Kamala flirting with each other every second. _

_ Panicked Gay: That’s all we ever see you do. _

_ Aunty Kamala: Shut the fuck up Pence, we all know you flirt with Donald every living second of your life  _

_ Panicked Gay: I know, but I can do it. I’m gay!! Also Donald we have to have sleepovers again. I’m gonna miss my cheeto man 👨 😭😭😭 _

_ CheetoMan: Melanie is divorcing me, we can have as many sleepovers as we want :D  _

_ Daddy Biden: Again, It’s Melania not Melanie _

_ CheetoMan: That’s what I said, Melanie . _

_ Aunty Kamala: I’m done trying with him 🤦‍♀️ _

_ Bad Bitch: Did y’all see what Nancy is wearing? She looks good _

_ King Barack: I know right. She’s serving the house down, boots the house down, yes mama god *mouth pop* _

_ Bad Bitch: That Hillary bitch looks good too, I guess…. >:(  _

_ Aunty Kamala: *gasp* Alex you can’t just bring in personal affairs into this private convo. _

_ Panicked Gay: Oh please, everyone knows that Hillary has a big, lesbian crush on you  _

_ Aunty Kamal: Omggg guys stoppp. Listen me and Hillary are only friends. _

_ CheetoMan: That’s what I said Mikey and I were to Melanie  _

_ Daddy Biden: Yeah and that’s me and Barack tell to Jill and Michelle _

_ CheetoMan: yEaH aNd ThAt’S mE aNd bArAcK tElL tO jIlL aNd MiChElLe _

_ CheetoMan: _

_ _

_ Panicked Gay: Nice one babe _

_ Bad Bitch: Is NO ONE gonna tell me I look hot in my outfit today? Racists  _

_ CheetoMan: You look hot  _

_ Bad Bitch: Literally anyone but you  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Omg!! Wait you’re here? I didn’t even see you?!?! _

_ Bad Bitch: I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU  _

_ King Barack: Uh oh, the girls are fighting-  _

_ Bad Bitch: Shut the fuck up  _

_ Panicked Gay: Someone’s grumpy-  _

_ Bad Bitch: I lost a game of Among Us to Trudeau and Jacinda. Those bitches conspired and fucking won. Damn commonwealth gang >:(  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I bet Queen Liz was sucking on a tea bag the whole time, that’s why her mouth looks like that you know. _

_ CheetoMan: what?  _

_ Panicked Gay: OH MY GOD  _

_ Panicked Gay: OH MY GOD  _

_ Panicked Gay: OH MY GOD  _

_ Panicked Gay: OH MY GOD  _

_ Panicked Gay: OH MY GOD  _

_ King Barack: What now Fly man? _

_ Panicked Gay: Hillary keeps making eyes at Kamala  _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamala I told you I will beat her with the chancla. I’m not afraid just because it’s live television. _

_ Aunty Kamala: omggggg stoooooppppppp, not on Inauguration dayyyyy  _

_ Bad Bitch: Okayyy, but like you’re agreeing to let me do it on any other day, right? _

_ Aunty Kamala: We can discuss this later  _

_ King Barack: Y’all stop Daddy Biden’s putting his hand on that Hogwart looking ass spell book of a bible. _

_ Panicked Gay: Oop we should pay attention _

##  Wednesday, January 20th, 2021: Inauguration Day:

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ It’s me, President-Elect, Joe Biden. I know what you’re thinking. Why am I still the President-Elect, and not the President? Well, it’s because today is my Inauguration Day, and by 12pm EST, I’ll be the 45th, wait no, I mean 46th President of the United States. Lady Gaga just performed and it was the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my life. My ears have been BLESSED! I just finished taking some oath or whateva. TBH I’m more focused on ThE BarbZ TriO group chat. Hillary’s making eyes at Kamala, and AOC’s NOT having it. That bitch is gonna kill Hillary, and tbh, I’m here for it! We love a good fight. Anyways, gtg, they bout to have JLO come out!!!!  _

__

_ Xoxo, Joseph R. Biden  _

##  **Bad Bitches of America**

_ 9:00am  _

_ Melatonin: Yo _

_ Melatonin: Lady Gaga was inspiring  _

_ Melatonin: Truly incredible  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry has added Uncle Doug and Mr. X Bad Bitch to the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Michelle. Why? I removed them for a reason!! _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: They belong here just as much as you, plus they were lonely without us :(  _

_ Uncle Doug: It’s true :( _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Okay:( I’m sorry. I forgive you but please no more TikTok references. _

_ Mommy Pence: And you did this…. for what?  _

_ Mommy Pence: WHAT WAS THE REASON?!?!?!?!? _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Jilll, don’t do it. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’m not gonna do it girl, I’m just thinking about it  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has removed Mommy Pence from the chat  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I did it 😌 _

_ Melatonin: Does anyone else realize she only understands these references cause she’s on tiktok? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: STFU Melatonin, no one asked you  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Damn, who pissed in your cheerios today? _

_ Uncle Doug: Oop, kinky _

_ Melatonin: Please refrain from telling us what you and Kamala do, thank you very much. Sincerely: Everyone in the world  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Yeah seriously. Only AOC can have those thoughts about her. _

_ Uncle Doug: Wait what? Did I miss something?? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: I think it’s time we tell you something…. _

_ Uncle Doug: Tell me what? _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry added Mommy Pence to the chat _

_ Mommy Pence: SURPRISE BITCH, I bet you thought you’d see the last of me _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I can do it again _

_ Uncle Doug: CAN WE PLEASE GO BACK TO WHAT RILEY WAS ABOUT TO TELL ME?! _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: I’ll let Kamala tell you. Oops gotta blast. 🏃‍♂️💨 _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry has left the chat  _

_ Melatonin has left the chat  _

_ Mommy Pence has left the chat  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has left the chat  _

_ Uncle Doug: WOW ok  _

##  Wednesday, January 20th, 2021: Inauguration Day:

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ It’s me, President-Elect, Joe Biden. I know what you’re thinking. Why am I still the President-Elect, and not the President? Well, it’s because today is my Inauguration Day, and by 12pm EST, I’ll be the 45th, wait no, I mean 46th President of the United States. Sup bitches? It’s almost the end of my party. At least for the morning. Then in the afternoon, we gonna partttyyyyy. JLO WAS SO GOOD! Iconic, even, But no one beats Lady Gaga. Don’t tell JLO I said that. Anyway, Jill keeps glaring at Karen. I think she’s gonna kill her. And tbh, that’s okay. I’d love to see Jilly fight Karen. She murmured something about a fight today at 3 in the Rose Gardens. I bet Jilly would fuck her up. Anyways, gtg. Barack said I need to put my phone away. K, love y’all, byeeeee.  _

_ Xoxo, Joseph R. Biden  _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 10:56am  _

_ Doug: Kamala! We need to talk. _

_ Kamala: About? I’m about to go take an oath to this country  _

_ Doug: Okay, I mean I guess if you have too. I’ll text you 2 mins when you sit back down beside me. _

_ Kamala: You can’t just talk to me?? I’ll be RIGHT beside you???  _

_ Doug: Can you just go along with my plan for once!?!? _

_ Kamala: Jesus Christ, fine fine, don’t throw a fit  _

_ 11:00am  _

_ Kamala: Okay, so what is it??? _

_ Doug: Good job on swearing an oath or whateva. Anyways I heard some news. _

_ Kamala: Thanks. And what did you hear? You hear a lot of things  _

_ Doug: Are you and AOC dating or something? _

_ Kamala: Nooo we’re just professionally in love 😻  _

_ Doug: Oh okay _

_ Doug: Wait. What the fuck does that even mean? _

_ Kamala has left the chat _

_ Doug added Kamala to the chat  _

_ Doug: Kamala _

_ Doug: Just tell me the truth, I won’t be mad :(  _

_ Kamala: I don’t know what else to tell you except we’re professionally in love?!?! _

_ Doug: BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? _

_ Kamala: Idk urban dictionary it or somethin’  _

_ Doug: SO  _

_ Doug: If you’re in love with AOC, I want you to go be happy with her  _

_ Kamala: Really? _

_ Kamala: You mean that? _

_ Doug: Duh  _

_ Doug: You’re still gonna be one of my closest friends, so as long as you’re happy, I’m happy :)  _

_ Kamala: Okay, love ya ❤️ gotta blast✌️💥🚀 _

_ Kamala has left the chat _

_ Doug: Oh okay then  _

_ Doug had left the chat  _

##  Wednesday, January 20th, 2021: Inauguration Day:

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ It’s me, President-Elect, Joe Biden. I know what you’re thinking. Why am I still the President-Elect, and not the President? Well, it’s because today is my Inauguration Day, and by 12pm EST, I’ll be the 45th, wait no, I mean 46th President of the United States. I’m one hour away from being President. Then my intro message will change. I think something happened between Kamala and Doug, but Kamala won’t tell me. Maybe I can get ThE BarbZ TriO to bully her into telling me. That would work. Anyways, while people were talking, I was thinking about ice cream. I really like ice cream. Specifically mint. Or vanilla too. Or maybe strawberry. Fuck it, I like all ice creams. I don’t discriminate, I fight for all the ice cream in America. Barack said we can get ice cream after Jilly and Karen fight. I’m so excited! The whole gang is going. Obviously without CheetoMan cuz he sucks. Anyways, gtg. _

_ Xoxo, Joseph R. Biden  _

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 12:56pm _

_ Aunty Kamala: WE DID IT  _

_ Aunty Kamala: WE DID IT JOE _

_ Daddy Biden: I’M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES  _

_ Daddy Biden: AND YOU’RE THE FIRST WOC VP OF THE UNITED STATES  _

_ Bad Bitch: Yesssss🎶 that’s my girl🎶 that’s my girl.🎶 _

_ King Barack:  _ [ _ That's My Girl - Fifth Harmony _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vfGd6msyS4)

_ Panicked Gay: Congrats guys  _

_ King Barack: OH MY GOD JOE GUESS WHAT  _

_ Daddy Biden: OMGGG! WHATT!?!?  _

_ King Barack: DADDY TRUDEAU TWEETED AT YOU  _

_ Daddy Biden: OMGGG!?!? Really?!?!🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 That’s Crazy, I feel so honoured. _

_ King Barack: YES REALLY  _

_ Panicked Gay: Why’s that exciting? Why do you feel honoured? _

_ Daddy Biden: Cuz he’s a PMILF  _

_ King Barack: I mean honestly, have you seen this man  _

_ King Barack: _

__

_ Bad Bitch: You know who’s a total MILF?  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Omg!!! Bae Stopppp _

_ Bad Bitch: I was talking bout Michelle, who do you think I was talking bout? _

_ Panicked Gay: I- she really did that  _

_ Bad Bitch: But like, also Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Paulson, Helena Bonham Carter, really just any of the main cast from Ocean’s 8. También Lana Parrilla.  _

_ Bad Bitch:  _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ Aunty Kamala has left the chat _

_ Bad Bitch: I’m- why is she so pressed? _

_ Daddy Biden: Kamala’s sensitive, but don’t get me wrong. She will beat a bitch up, so like watch your step sis!!✌️ _

_ King Barack: Maybe she’s pressed cuz you’re listing MILFs-  _

_ Bad Bitch: But she and I aren’t even dating-  _

_ Panicked Gay: Yeah, they’re jus proffesionally in love, guys. DUH!! _

_ Bad Bitch: Yeah, Pence gets it  _

_ Bad Bitch: Oh my god, never thought I’d say that-  _

_ Cheetoman: What’s a MILF. Melanie I’d like to fuck _

_ King Barack: Sir-  _

_ Daddy Biden: I- _

_ Bad Bitch: I’m gonna try and text Kamala and see why she’s pressed, wish me luck wfqwiuwqbeij if I don’t text back in 10 minutes, I’m dead  _

_ Panicked Gay: Ma’am we can see you-  _

_ Daddy Biden: All right hunty, keep safe my luv xx *british voice* _

_ Bad Bitch has left the chat  _

##  Wednesday, January 20th, 2021: Inauguration Day:

_ Dear Diary,  _

_ Hi, it’s me President Joe motherfucking Biden. I’m President, it’s time to get crunk, let’s all piss on Donald Trump. I think somethings gonna happen between Kamala and AOC but most importantly, I found a new ice cream I like. It’s called Mango Tango, it tastes like you guessed it……. TANGO. HAHAHAHA I’m just kidding lol. Obviously it tastes like mango. I love Baskin Robbins sooooooo much. Also did you know the logo has the number 51 in it because they have 51 flavours. I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT!?!?!? Anyways I should probably go to do some work or whateva, oh also I think I’m gonna be a bit different and cancel the pipeline. Idk I’m just feeling a little rebellious today. Any ways bye luvs *british voice* Isn't that so funny, Meena taught me that. Lol byeeeee✌️🤪✌️ _

__

_ Xoxo, President Joseph R. Biden  _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 2:00pm _

_ Alex: Kamala  _

_ Alex: Kamala  _

_ Alex: Kamala  _

_ Alex: Kamala _

_ Alex: Madam Vice President 😏 _

_ Alex: Babe? _

_ Kamala: What?? _

_ Alex: Wait, which one got your attention? Babe or Madam Vice President 😏 ? _

_ Kamala: Is that really the most important thing here?!? _

_ Alex: Yes, it’s for research  _

_ Kamala: Well, if you must know I was just checking my email and you kept spamming me…… It was babe:( _

_ Alex: BAHEBHUHWIJBDIQBE _

_ Alex: Why did you leave the gc? :(  _

_ Alex: We miss you, Madam Vice President 😏 _

_ Kamala: Ohhh I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Lana Parilla.  _

_ Alex: Miss Gurl-  _

_ Alex: aS a Puerto Ricanian, I have to uplift my fellow Puerto Ricanians, that’s why I talked about her or whateva  _

_ Kamala: Yeahhhh…. But I never talked about Michelle _

_ Alex: Well you SHOULD have you seen her? _

_ Kamala: I did….. And she was fucking hot, I mean did you see that waist gurl. Snatched!!! You see them legs gurl… guess what?!?! SNATCHED!!! _

_ Alex: Okay, I see why you left the chat now, I’m feeling overwhelmed with jealousy-  _

_ Kamala: And you see that hair gurl.. Flawless! You see that hotness. Snatched!! _

_ Alex: shUt up _

_ Kamala: Haha, I’m just kidding babe. _

_ Alex: I’m sorry if I made you upset earlier :(  _

_ Kamala: It’s okayyyyy, I forgive you. But don’t ever fucking say that shit again. Or I will!!! Bring the house down. _

_ Alex: 😳 _

_ Alex: Yes ma’am  _

_ Kamala: Okiee:)just making sure. Love ya❤️ _

_ Alex: Love ya too. On another note, one more hour until Jill beats the shit out of Karen. I’ve never been more excited  _

_ Kamala: SAMEEE, who you rooting for? _

_ Alex: OBVIOUSLY JILL.  _

_ Kamala: good. Me too! OMG wait do you wanna get matching pride pins? _

_ Alex: That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard you say.  _

_ Alex: I’m in  _

_ Alex has left the chat  _

##  **Bad Bitches of America**

_ 2:50pm _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Hey mother fucker  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Ready to fight?  _

_ Mommy Pence: I’m in my corvette, corvette. Then I gotta hop on the motherfucking jet like that _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: This just gives me more reason to beat you the fuck up  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: I’m so excited to see this  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Joe said he was gonna live tweet this :D  _

_ Melatonin: I’m so sad, I couldn’t be there to see Jill beat the absolute shit out of Karen. JUst know I’m rooting for you Jill. Also Jill, don’t be surprised if you see a 14 year old boy run at night, it’s just Barron _

_ Mommy Pence: WOW okay, I thought we were friends, Melania  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’M SORRY, DID YOU LEAVE BARRON AT THE WHITE HOUSE?! _

_ Melatonin has left the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Well I guess I have a new son-  _

_ Uncle Doug: NEW NEPHEW  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Y’all, I’m- _

_ Mommy Pence: Alright y'all I’m here. Where’s Jill? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Right behind you, bitch  _


	3. Chapter Two: Inauguration Day Part Two: Twitter Goes Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's me, Jessi, and Ari. If they test me, they're sorry." Melania sang as she watched America unravel around her

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 60 mins ago 

OMG GUYS @DrJillBiden and @Mother are about to fight at the Rose Gardens. Follow this thread for more live updates! 

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 50 mins ago 

Y’ALLLLLLL @DrJillBiden just DECKED @Mother. KAREN IS ON THE FLOOR! I REPEAT! KAREN IS ON THE FLOOR 

###  Barack Obama✔️

@ObamaMobamba. 48 mins ago 

👁👄👁 she really did that 

###  Kamala Harris✔️

@VPMomalaKamala. 47 mins ago 

Karen isn’t even MOVING

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 40 mins ago 

Ok so I think @DrJillBiden went a bit too far. @Mother is about to be hospitalized 

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 30 mins ago 

Ok so never mind, @Mother is just DRAMATIC. She got up and tried to roundhouse kick Jilly @DrJillBiden but she blocked it like the PRO she is 

###  Michelle Obama✔️

@QueenMichellieTheTelly. 28 mins ago 

Karen really thought she could pull a quick one on Jill. She thought she did something. Go shawty. My little boo thang 

###  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez✔️

@MsOC. 26 mins ago 

It’s tempting to go in and help Jill beat her up 

####  Kamala Harris✔️

@VPMomalaKamala. 25 mins ago

We talked about this. PLEASE CONTROL YOUR ANGER 

####  Doug Emhoff✔️

@TeachMeHowToDougie. 23 mins ago 

AOC really said 🤛🏽🏃🏽‍♀️

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 20 mins ago 

Okay queens, I am obligated to inform you that @Mother lost the fight, like we thought she would. That little weak ass bitch can not handle Jilly @DrJillBiden. 

###  Melania Trump✔️

@PlsSaveMelania2021. 17 mins ago 

I knew it.T 

###  Mike Pence✔️

@NoPenceionPlan. 14 mins ago 

NGL, Karen SUCKED 

####  Riley Roberts

@RileyRobots. 10 mins ago 

Sir, that’s your wife 

## Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 10 mins ago 

OK, as eventful as that was, Jilly is making me put my phone away. Comment down below your thoughts on this fight. If this tweet gets 13.9K likes AND retweets, I’ll post a video of @DrJillBiden beating @Mother UP! 

###  Karen Pence✔️

@Mother. 9 mins ago 

@DrJillBiden Got INTO ITTT

####  Jilly Biden✔️

@DrJillBiden. 7 mins ago 

THAT'S THE REASON I DECKED U 

###  Justin Trudeau✔️

@AppropriationNation71. 9 mins ago

What in the world did I just miss??

####  Jacinda Ardern✔️

@FirstFemalePMofNZ. 8 mins ago 

I think @Mother got MURKED. As she should 

###  Queen Elizabeth II✔️

@QueenGlizzyLizzy. 5 mins ago

I’ve never been prouder of an American than I am right now. @DrJillBiden, want a 

medal?

**Jagmeet Singh✔️**

@KingSingh. 3 mins ago 

She really does deserve one 

###  Bernie Sanders✔️

@BadBitchBernie. 4 mins ago 

Me watching the fight like:


	4. Chapter Four: Dr. Biden, I Threw Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's me, Jessi, and Ari. If they test me, they're sorry." Melania said as she watched America unravel around her.

It’s the end of the Inauguration day. Michelle and Jill are on their way to the White House as they have just left from their “spa” session. The night was dusk, a perfect romantic evening for both of the couples. Barack and Biden were finishing up their “game night”. Jill and Michelle were walking up the steep stairs of the white house entrance when suddenly Michelle stopped. “Jill, do you see that?” Michelle asked as a shadow ran past them and into the bushes. Jill and Michelle quickly hugged each other for “protection”. Soft but violently spoken, Jill asked “Who the hell is at my house?” Michelle then added. “Yeah!! Who’s at my beloved’s house?” Suddenly AOC made her presence known, since she figured out it was just Michelle and Jill. “Oh shit, my bad guys. It’s just me.” AOC said as she dusted off the twigs from her dress from the bush. “Me and Kamala were just playing Among Us. No other reason.” AOC said. “Then why are your hands wet?” Jill asked, suspicious of AOC. “I washed my hands. That’s why they wet…*pause of awkward silence* No other reason.” AOC added quickly. “Also, if I were you, I wouldn’t go to the east wing. There’s some child lurking around.” Jill’s mood suddenly perked up as she smiles widely “Yay! A new son!” she said happily and excitedly. “Jilly, he’s young enough to be your grandkid.” Michelle said. “Plus, shouldn’t we return him to Melania? Don’t you think she’d want her son back?” she added. “No, don’t you remember she said to not be worried. I’m just glad we have another child to get ice cream with!!” Jill said. “Melania just straight up left her son here?” AOC asked, still standing by the bush. Suddenly Barron came out of a tree near them. “Yeah, she said you’d give me my fortnite privileges back.” he said. Startled, AOC jumped back. “What the fuck?! Have you been there the whole time? I JUST SAW YOU IN THE EAST WING?! How are you this fast?” she asked. “I’m like seven feet tall or something, so I take really long strides.” he explained. “But Barron, why were you in a tree?” Michelle asked. “Cause this is the only place where I can hang out without my dad making me get him a coke every five seconds. I was the one that was controlled by the red button.” he said in reply to Michelle’s question. Jill quickly took Barron to her side, putting her arm around him. “It’s ok Barron, you’re my son now. Do you want to go for ice cream after? Also, what’s Fortnite?” Jill asked as she looked up at Barron, who towered over her. “Oh! It’s a game. It’s fun. I can show you sometime!” he said excitedly, smiling for the first time in a while. “As cute as this is, I gotta go before Kamala realizes I didn’t actually leave. If she knows that y’all know ‘bout us, she’ll kick my ass. K bye.” AOC said before leaving. Jill, Michelle and Barron all walked into the white house hand in hand, like a little family. Michelle and Barron’s tiny but big footsteps basically dragged Jill's body along. “So, are you guys gonna tell Mr. Biden and Mr. Obama about your relationship?” Barron asked. “Yes, and you’re our new kid.” Jill said, smiling wider than ever. “Tell us about what?” Joe asked as he and Barack stepped out of the Oval Office and tapped on her shoulder. Michelle and Jill froze in their places, Barron between them. “Soooo, I’m gonna go play some Roblox. Let me know when we get ice cream.” Barron said and left. “Ice cream?” Joe asked. “Wait, he’s still here?” Barack asked. “Joe, I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m not gonna say I’m sorry about it.” Jill said. “Bitch, me too, the fuck!?” Joe said, excitedly. Michelle and Barack stared at each other. “That checks out. Were y’all each other’s beards?” Barack asked. “Barack, you know I can’t grow a beard, why would you bring that up? You know I’m insecure about my inability to grow a beard!” Joe said and Jill stared at him, confused. “Joe, a ‘beard’ is when a queer man and a queer woman pretend to be together to look straight.” Michelle said. “So what are we gonna do about the situation? I still wanna have First Lady duties but ion wanna hide my relationship with Michelle anymore.” Jill said. “Oh girl it’s okay, we have like 109 rooms, I’m sure you can find one y’all like. Viva la Gay.” Joe quickly responded to Jill “So I’ll still be First Lady even though we’re divorcing?” Jill asked and Joe nodded. “And you don’t wanna be the first First Gentleman?” Jill asked Barack. “Nope, I’m done with politics. Fuck that shit.” he said. “Ok so can someone explain the whole Barron thing?” Joe asked. “So do I have a new son? Wait, we’re divorcing. I’m confused. How does this work?” Joe asked. “Is he gonna be a Biden? What’s happening?” he asked again. “Have you read the letter that Trump wrote you? It explains everything there.” Jill said. “So he can just be a Biden and we can all raise him.” Jill added. “Cool, sounds good with me.” Michelle said and Barack gave a thumbs up. 

##  Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 50 mins ago

Hey Icons! @DrJillBiden and I have news. We just broke up. But don’t worry! It’s not cuz we hate each other, lol! It’s cuz we’re both gay :D 

###  Jill Biden✔️

@DrJillBiden. 45 mins ago

But I’m still First Lady, bitches! 

###  Ashley Biden✔️

@AshBlazeB. 30 mins ago 

Okay cool, but who’d y’all leave each other for? 

###  Hunter Biden✔️

@HuntB. 25 mins ago

Cool story. Are you with the Obama’s now? We all saw it coming 

####  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez✔️

@MsOC. 23mins ago 

Oh yeah, your mom is a major simp for Michelle 

#####  Ashley Biden✔️

@AshBlazeB. 20 mins ago 

Of course she is, I’m not surprised 

#####  Michelle Obama ✔️

@QueenMichellieTheTelly. 18 mins ago 

@MsOC thanks for that 

###  Barack Obama✔️

@ObamaMobamba. 40 mins ago

Omg, you’re exposing us 

####  Doug Emhoff✔️

@TeachMeHowToDougie. 34 mins ago 

Bitch, we been knew 

Queen Elizabeth II✔️

@QueenGlizzyLizzy. 36 mins ago 

Congrats you two. America is finally getting better, all it needed is a little bit of gay🏳️‍🌈

###  Justin Trudeau✔️

@AppropriationNation71. 30 mins ago

Now we know why @ObamaMobamba made gay marriage legal 

####  Barack Obama✔️

@ObamaMobamba. 27 mins ago

Bitch are you telling me that Paul Martin was gay when he legallized gay marriage 

in Canada? Hop off my dick, we all know you’re jealous I got to Joe before you 

######  Justin Trudeau✔️

@AppropriationNation71. 25 mins ago

You know what, yeah, I am 

######  Sophie Trudeau✔️

@SophTG. 20 mins ago 

WOW okay, thanks a lot. Fuck this shit, I’m out. Peace. 

@VPMomalaKamala, y’all seeing anyone?

###  Kamala Harris

@VPMomalaKamala. 25 mins ago 

YESSSS BITCHES! I knew it, sharing those looks to each other at the inauguration, I knew y’all were gay somehow.

###  Bernie Sanders✔️

@BadBitchBernie. 20 mins ago 

Y’all KNOW she’s (@VPMomalaKamala) is fucking AOC (@MsOC), right? Like, y’all can see the chemistry, right? Y’all can’t be that blind 

####  Sophie Trudeau✔️

@SophTG. 19 mins ago 

Oh man, rip me then. Guess I’ll go after Jacinda 

#####  Jacinda Ardern✔️

@FirstFemalePMofNZ. 15 mins ago 

Omg , I’m flattered. 

####  Hillary Clinton✔️

@HRC. 17 mins ago 

Awe man :( 

####  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez✔️

@MsOC. 15 mins ago 

DAMN IT BERNIE 

#####  Bernie Sanders✔️

@BadBitchBernie. 13 mins ago 

WHAT?! Didn’t everyone know?!

####  Doug Emhoff✔️

@TeachMeHowToDougie. 11 mins ago 

OOP, @VPMomalaKamala has been REAL quiet

####  Riley Roberts

@RileyRobot. 10 mins ago 

Omg the tea is SPILLING 

###  Melania Trump✔️

@PlsSaveMelania2021. 17 mins ago 

Congrats! Saw it coming. Also, have y’all given Barron his Fortnite privileges back?

###  Jill Biden✔️

@DrJillBiden. 15 mins ago

Omg of course! He’s been playing all night. I think he won!

####  Barron Biden

@BarronB . 11 mins ago 

I did :D 

###  Ashley Biden✔️

@AshBlazeB. 13 mins ago 

Hold up, wait a minute, what!? Do we have a new brother??? I’m so confused. 

#####  Jill Biden✔️

@DrJillBiden. 11 mins ago

Yes ofc. Now give a warm welcome to Barron Biden!! He’s your new brother. 

Now go play with him.

######  Hunter Biden✔️

@HuntB. 8 mins ago

Okay, periodT 

Ashley Biden✔️

@AshBlazeB. 7 mins ago

Okay!!! Just wanted to make sure. Also what Ice cream does he like?!

######  Joe Biden ✔️

@PresidentJoeBiden. 5 mins ago

I knew you were my daughter!! Also he’s like me, we’ve been talking this whole time. And he lovessss COOKIES & CREAM!! Just like me!!!!!!!😁😁😁

###  Mike Pence✔️

@NoPenceionPlan. 14 mins ago 

Here’s something Donny told me to tweet you guys: “ ‘And on the third night, God said ‘Let them be gay’ ”

####  Karen Pence✔️

@Mother. 9 mins ago 

I’m- Idk how to feel about that. 

####  Jagmeet Singh✔️

@KingSingh. 3 mins ago 

That has to be fake. I refuse to believe he has the brain to say something like that. 

###  Lin Manuel-Miranda✔️

@MusicalBoii101. 10 mins ago 

OMG GUYS, I’m gonna turn this into a musical. This will get MILLIONS of dollars. Should I get your permission? Yes. Will I? No. Why? Cuz I’m a rebel, so fuck that. I looked up the law, it’s not illegal if I propose it to you. It’s just heavily discouraged. Melania Trump will be played by Dr. Jill Biden. Donald Trump will be played by Jimmy Fallon. Joe Biden will be played by Joe Biden cuz we know he can act after guest starring in an episode of Parks and Rec. Mike Pence will be played by a fly. Dr Jill Biden will be played by Christi Lukasiak from Dance Moms, period. Karen Pence will be played by Ivanka Trump. Kamala Harris will be played by Maya Rudolph. Michelle Obama will be played by Queen Latifa. Barack Obama will be played by the one and only The Rock. Doug Emhoff will be played by Cole Emhoff. Riley Roberts will be played by Eric Trump. Justin Trudeau will be played by Christopher Daniel Barnes, who voiced Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid. I mean, Justin looks JUST LIKE PRINCE ERIC! Sophie Trudeau will be played by Emma Stone. Jacinda Ardern will be played by Lorde, period. Jagmeet Singh will be played by Justin Trudeau. Bernie Sanders will be played by Danny Devito. Ashley Biden will be played by Aubrey Plaza. Hunter Biden will be played by Neil Patrick Harris. Queen Elizabeth II will be played by Abby Lee Miller. Hillary Clinton will be played by Amy Poehler, period. Barron Trump will be played by Barron Trump. And I will play AOC. The musical will be called “Rumours, not my Fleetwood Mac.” 


	5. Chapter Five: Madame Vice President🤪🤩

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's me, Jessi, and Ari." Melania said as she watched America unravel around her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CheetoMan = Donald Trump
> 
> Panicked Gay = Mike Pence
> 
> King Barack = Barack Obama
> 
> Daddy Biden = Joe Biden
> 
> Bad Bitch = AOC
> 
> Aunty Kamala = Kamala Harris
> 
> Melatonin = Melania Trump
> 
> Mommy Pence = Karen Pence
> 
> Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It's me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry = Michelle Obama
> 
> Dr. Hot Ass Bitch = Jill Biden
> 
> Mr. X Bad Bitch = Riley Roberts
> 
> Uncle Doug = Doug Emhoff

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 3:12pm _

_ CheetoMan: Hey bitches!✌️😝✌️ So me and Melanie have finally divorced. I know it only took one day, buttt I spent all of my last money so I could finally be with my little Pencei boi. _

_ Panicked Gay: Hey Boo, it’s about time,😝 _

_ Bad Bitch: Y’ALL LOOK AT THIS  _

_Bad Bitch:_

__

_ Bad Bitch: A whole ass city said “No thanks😝”  _

_ Aunty Kamala: We did it Joe!! We did it!!🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Daddy Biden: We banned the ex President of the United States from NYC 😝 _

_ King Barack: Hell yeah bro! That’s my little boo-thang😘 _

_ Daddy Biden: AWE BARACK 🥰 _

_ King Barack: Also, how are y’all doing with Bernie accidentally outing y’all? _

_ Aunty Kamala: It’s ok, he’s really sweet and didn’t know. Plus he deleted the tweet so only like 1 million people saw it.💀 _

_ Bad Bitch: Imma bad bitch, he can’t kill me  _

_ Panicked Gay: Hillary seemed rather sad under that tweet-  _

_ Bad Bitch: Imma beat her up  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alexxx, we talked about your anger. Now calm the FUCK DOWN!! _

_ CheetoMan: I- 👨 _

_ CheetoMan has added Hillary Clinton to the chat  _

_ Hillary Clinton: Ummmm, why did you add me? _

_ Cheetoman: I like conflict _

_ Cheetoman has changed Hillary Clinton’s name to Monica Lewinsky _

_ King Barack: OH NO  _

_ Panicked Gay: Oh fuck-  _

_ Bad Bitch: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKER  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alex, stop 🛑 we have a guest! _

_ Bad Bitch: A guest imma MURK  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: Try me  _

_ Bad Bitch: Next time I see you, it’s ON SIGHT  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: BET!! _

_ Aunty Kamala: Ok, listen we all have very strong feelings here, what if we all discussed this over ice cream?  _

_ Daddy Biden: YES , ICE CREAM  _

_ King Barack: Omg Joe, what have I told you. You can’t have Ice cream for every meal of the day.  _

_ Daddy Biden: YES I CAN, STOP ACTING LIKE JILL _

_ Panicked Gay: 👁👄👁 _

_ Bad Bitch: I’ll go if that Clinton bitch doesn’t  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: BITCH  _

_ Bad Bitch: Shut the FUCK up, milkey ass mother fucker  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: Fuck off asshole  _

_ Bad Bitch: I have Spotify open right now on my computer.  _

_ Bad Bitch: Do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast?  _

_ Bad Bitch: I’ve got your history right here on the sidebar  _

_ Aunty Kamala: God please no!!😰😰😰 _

_ Bad Bitch: “Take It Back” by Jimmy Buffett  _

_ Bad Bitch: “Nautical Wheelers” By Jimmy Buffett  _

_ Bad Bitch: "Jolly Mon Sing" By Jimmy Buffett _

_ Bad Bitch: “Steamer” By Jimmy Buffett! _

_ Bad Bitch: “Treat Her Like A Lady” By Jimmy Buffett!  _

_ Bad Bitch: “Manana” By Jimmy Buffett! _

_ Bad Bitch: “When Salome Plays The Drums” By James Buffett _

_ Bad Bitch: “Havana Daydreamin” by Jimmy Buffett _

_ Bad Bitch: What the FUCK happened to you?? Were you haunted?? _

_ Monica Lewinsky: I had a case of the Mondays…  _

_ Bad Bitch: WERE YOU FUCKING POSSESED!?  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: I had a case of the Mondays!! I had those old Monday blues, and I was just trying to chase ‘em away. _

_ CheetoMan: This was a good decision on my end _

_ Bad Bitch: Shut the fuck up trump, now I’m too angry to go play Among Us with the Among Us baddies!! _

_ Daddy Biden: It was a terrible idea. Now Kamala’s girlfriend is more enraged than usual  _

_ King Barack: Is it really different though? She kinda seems the same to me _

_ Bad Bitch: shut the FUCK up, bArAcK  _

_ Panicked Gay: Hey guys👉👈 I weally don’t like confwict c-could we not fight🥺 _

_ Bad Bitch: shut the fuck up, fly boi, no one asked you  _

_ Daddy Biden: Damn, girl is on X Games mode  _

_ Bad Bitch: shut the fuck up, Biden  _

_ CheetoMan: Hey!! don’t talk about him like that. He’s my flyboi🪰💓 _

_ Bad Bitch: Shut the fuck up, cheeto, orange, stanky ass mother fucker. No one cares about what you have to say. Everything that comes out of your mouth is literal bullshit and is at the level of a third grader. I take that back. A third grader knows more than you, fucking twat. Cunt ass bitch.  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Babe, let’s talk about this in a private chat, so we don’t say something we’ll regret.  _

_ Bad Bitch: 🥺🥺 Okay 🥺🥺 _

_ Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ Aunty Kamala: See you in a while guys👋 _

_ Aunty Kamala has left the chat  _

_ Monica Lewinsky: Damn, okay  _

_ Daddy Biden has removed Monica Lewinsky from the chat _

_ Panicked Gay: I- that’s probably for the best _

_ King Barack: For sure. Also, Alex is totally whipped  _

_ CheetoMan: 😏 whipped  _

_ Daddy Biden: Shut the fuck up, Trump  _

_ King Barack: Shut the fuck up, Trump _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 4:00pm  _

_ Alex: Are you mad at me? :(  _

_ Harris: Of course not! I could never be mad at you 🥺🥺 _

_ Alex: Then why’d you tell me to come to the private chat? :(  _

_ Alex: Wait  _

_ Alex: 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ Harris: Noooo, Alex. Bad Alex.  _

_ Alex: 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ Harris: I just don’t like seeing my boo thang mad. I like when she’s happy. _

_ Alex: 🥺🥺🥺 AWE  _

_ Alex: You know what’ll make me happy? 😏😏 _

_ Harris: Alexxxx, noooo. Alex, bad! _

_ Alex: I MEANT THESE EMOJIS 😄 _

_ Alex: Damn _

_ Alex: But nice to know it’s a no if that was what I was asking for-  _

_ Alex: Wait, what do you think I’m asking for when I use “ 😏” ? _

_ Harris: Doesn’t it mean like you wanna take over the government and rule it yourself?? Or does it mean that you wanna link up? _

_ Alex: JBDIJWBIUDHJKASNIJNFJKWBIUFGIUHWBHJDFVHKJWBDHJVFHJBHJWFBWHJBEHIUWGFUYWHBHJFGHUWBDILUHWJEBUFBWJDBJFGWUHBDHJFGWHUBDHUFVWHBDHJFBWUDBJWHDIJNWJIHDJIWNDIJNWJINDJNJJNJNWJIBDJKBJBJWJWJWJ _

_ Alex: Who says ‘link up’? Does that mean make out or…? _

_ Harris: It means you wanna fuck, bro _

_ Alex: Damn, okay  _

_ Alex: In that case  _

_ Alex: 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ Alex:😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ Harris: Listen, I wouldn’t be opposed😉😉😉 _

_ Alex: I’M ON MY WAY  _

_ Harris: bet. _

##  **Bad Bitches of America:**

_ 5:30pm _

_ Melatonin: How’s Barron? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: He’s doing great! We went out for ice cream yesterday. Although for some reason, he asked us to put it in a metal bowl and the. put it on the ground. He said he needed to be by a window for photosynthesis and to grow. Do you know anything about that?  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Were you guys feeding him from a dog bowl and treating him like a dog? _

_ Melatonin: Donald was. I tried to stop him but he said that’s how he raised Eric and Donald JR and didn’t let me raise Barron how I wanted- 🤷‍♀️ _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I-👁👄👁. Wellll me, Michelle, Barack, and Joe are having a lovely time with our new son. He has his fortnite privileges back and apparently he won the whole game. So I guess he like owns it now or something?  _

_ Mr. X Bad BItch: Jill, that’s now how it works-  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Riley, just let her have this one. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: 😃 _

_ Melatonin: Ok, I miss him😔 Can you send a photo of you with him? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Sure thing! One sec!:) _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch:  _

_ _

_ Mommy Pence: YUHHH GET INTO IT _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’m not even mad, I’m too happy to be mad 😃 _

_ Mommy Pence: Well FUCK  _

_ Uncle Doug: AWE that photo is so cute 🥺 _

_ Melatonin: I want him back😤😡 _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Too late bitch! _

_ Melatonin: Can we all share him? 🥺🥺 _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’ll ask him, I guess :(  _

_ Mommy Pence: MELANIA  _

_ Mommy Pence: MELANIA  _

_ Mommy Pence: MELANIA  _

_ Melatonin: What Mami? _

_ Mommy Pence: 😳 _

_ Mommy Pence: You finally divorced Cheeto Dick?  _

_ Melatonin: How did you know? Twitter doesn’t even know! _

_ Mommy Pence: Donald told ThE BarbZ TriO and Mike told me _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Wait!!👀👄 They have a group chat? I thought we were the only ones? _

_ Uncle Doug: Oh Jill…  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: OMG, Doug, Riley, how are you guys handling the break ups? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Damn it Bernie! We’re good, we’ve been talking on the side. We’ve been just talking about dude emotions and all that jazz. _

_ Melatonin: Have you talked with AOC since the break up?  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Oh yeah, she tells me a lot  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Sometimes too much 😳 _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: My mind is scarred  _

_ Uncle Doug: I know right! Kamala tells wayyy too much about their relationship. And it’s like yes!!! gay!!! but also like TMI!🙅‍♂️ _

_ Mommy Pence: omg, what do they say?  _

_ Melatonin: SPILL  _

_ Uncle Doug: Jill make sure Barron is not looking at your phone right now. We’re gonna say some very inappropriate things right now! Viewer discretion is advised!! _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: It’s all my fault. I said we can talk like ‘dude bros’ and now she won’t shut up about what she’s like in bed 😳 _

_ Uncle Doug: I know she keeps talking about how they keep going to the “spa”  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch:  _ ~~_ *gasp* Michellyyy, that’s what we used!!!! _ ~~

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry:😳I’m-  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Oh sorry, was I not supposed to say that.? _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Damn it, Jill  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has deleted a chat _

_ Melatonin: Too late, I screenshotted it _

_ Uncle Doug: Oop- _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Wait, how are we not talking about Melania’s divorce?  _

_ Melatonin has left chat _

_ Mommy Pence: Time to shoot my shot bitches! Gotta Blast🏃‍♀️💨 _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Tell Melania that Barron said he wants to stay here :D  _

_ Mommy Pence: I’ll tell her! _

_ Mommy Pence has left the chat _

_ Uncle Doug: I-  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Doug, I need to talk to you.  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ Uncle Doug: That’s my cue to leave! _

_ Uncle Doug has left the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Let’s bring Barron to the mall! _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: ahhhh yes!!! I’m on my way, so is Barack. Joe and Barack are gonna spend the day together.  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’ll go tell em :D :D :D :D :D :D _

##  **Among Us Baddies:**

_ 6:45pm  _

_ QueenCortez: Hey bitches _

_ QueenCortez: Can I add Kamala? She wants to play _

_ LizzyGlizzy: Of course! Always love when a strong female wants to be included. _

_ Kiwi: PERIODT _

_ QueenCortez added Kamala Harris to the group chat  _

_ Kamala Harris changed their name to SorryIwonandyoulost  _

_ NotJBieber: I- okay  _

_ Hugmeet: Hi Queen Harris  _

_ CorpseBoi: Hey Cortezzzz!!! _

_ QueenCortez: HEY CORPSE  _

_ Kiwi: Oh no  _

_ SorryIwonandyoulost: Umm who is this bitch?? _

_ QueenCortez: My friend, Corpse :D  _

_ NotJBieber:Oh no  _

_ SorryIwonandyourlost: My FrIEnD CoRpSe _

_ Hugmeet: Oh no  _

_ QueenCortez: I- he’s my friend  _

_ CorpseBoi: Yeah, we’re just friends😞 Also big fan Kamala _

_ QueenCortez: I- iufgweiqjbdjewqhijqwnejkqwnekqw _

_ LizzyGlizzy: Do y’all want me to get your own individual armies, cause I will. Y’all can fight it out if y’all want. I’ll provide a time and a place _

_ Hugmeet: Girl-  _

_ Kiwi: WAIT _

_ Kiwi: Corpse, do you have feelings for Alex? Am I this clueless?  _

_ CorpseBoi: Noooooo, I don’t have feelings for Alex? Never that’s disgusting 🤮 I-I could never pull her. _

_ QueenCortez: Idk if I should feel offended or not- _

_ SorryIwonandyoulost: I will beat you with Alex’s Chancla, if you come after my lady one more time! _

_ QueenCortez: 😏 Damn okay  _

_ CorpseBoi: I’m sorry Ms. Vice President. I will never have feelings for Alex again. Please don’t send the secret service after me.  _

_ QueenCortez: Kamala, keep defending me  _

_ QueenCortez: 😏😏😏 _

_ QueenCortez: I like it 😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ NotJBieber: Private chats for private matters _

_ LizzyGlizzy: Nooo, I wanna see someone beat someone. I luv them fights ya _

_ Kiwi: That explains the Commonwealth Gang  _

_ Hugmeet: Period Queen  _

_ QueenCortez: 😏😏😏 Madame Vice President, come back  _

_ SorryIwonandyoulost: Corpse, my guy. I respect your apology. But I swear to god if you ever come after my boo-thang ever again, I will give you the chancla. PERIODT _

_ QueenCortez: 😏😏 _

_ QueenCortez: Madame Vice President 😏😏😏 _

_ SorryIwonandyoulost: SOrry guys, I think me and Alex gatta blast. We have plans to go to the “spa”.  _

_ QueenCortez left the chat  _

_ SorryIwonandyoulost left the chat  _

_ LizzyGlizzy: Smh  _

_ LizzyGlizzy: Kinky bicthes 😏 _


	6. Chapter Six: Hotel Trivago, Dance Moms (Jilly Meets The Girls)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's me, Jessi, and Ari. If they test me they're sorry." Melania said as she saw America unravel around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring Christi, Holly, Kelly, and Cathy from Dance Moms 
> 
> CheetoMan = Donald Trump  
> Secret Gay/Panicked Gay = Mike Pence  
> King Barack = Barack Obama  
> Daddy Biden = Joe Biden  
> Bad Bitch = AOC  
> Aunty Kamala = Kamala Harris  
> Melatonin = Melania Trump  
> Mommy Pence = Karen Pence  
> Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Michelle Obama  
> Dr. Hot Ass Bitch = Jill Biden  
> Mr. X Bad Bitch = Riley Roberts  
> Uncle Doug: Doug Emhoff  
> Dr. Holly = Holly Frazier  
> DiscoBall = Christi Lukasiak  
> NotADingBat = Kelly Hyland  
> CandyApplesRules = Cathy Nesbitt  
> Meena = Meena Harris

##  **Bad Bitches of America:**

_ 10:30am _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Oh my god _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Guys  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I found a new obsession  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: What is it boo-thang?  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Barron introduced me to Dance Moms  _

_ Uncle Doug: OMGGG!! Dance Moms!?!? I love that show😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 _

_ Dr. Hot Ass BIitch: YES!! DANCE MOMS!! Who’s your favourite Dance Mom?  _

_ Uncle Doug: Queen Dr Holly 👸👸 ofc!! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: ICONIC. I also love Christi and Kelly. Iconic Duo.  _

_ Uncle Doug: OMG yess, love Christi and Kelly!!❤️❤️ _

_ Mommy Pence: I like Jill  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Of course you would like JiLL. She’s a trumpie just like you. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I hate that we share names :( It makes me so sad :(  _

_ Melatonin: I like Kira :D  _

_ Mommy Pence: UGH ICONIC  _

_ Melatonin: Melissa is okay  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Melissa is a Joe stan  _

_ Melatonin: I like her even more  _

_ Uncle Doug: PERIODT  _

_ Mommy Pence: Can’t relate  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Wht do you guys think of Cathy??? _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Whoville called, they want your nose back  _

_ Uncle Doug: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH right _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I wanna meet Holly so badly. And Christi and Kelly _

_ Uncle Doug: I know right! I literally would kill someone for them. Maybe Trump?! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Maybe I can get Joe to blackmail them into visiting the White House  _

_ Uncle Doug: Does Joe like DANCE MOMS!!!!!????😲😲😲😲 _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Girl, he better. If he doesn’t now, Barron will make him  _

_ Barron: I will  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Barron, I- how did you get in here, without your mom's permission? _

_ Barron: I hacked in :D and I don’t need her permission, she left me here  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: It’s oki!!! I’m your mom now!🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Melatonin: Bitch, I- Did you birth him? NO! _

_ Uncle Doug: I meannn, I do see Melania's point. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I refuseee to be in a room with all these women that are lying!! YOU’RE COWARDS!!🐮🐮🐮 _

_ Mommy Pence: I- She is his mother-  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: COWARDS  _

_ Barron: PERIODT _

_ Melania: I-  _

_ Uncle Doug: I now stand with Jill on this. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Thank you, King  _

_ Barron: AIGHT Imma go watch more Dance Moms  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Okiii!! Just don’t eat too much sugar! Love you! ❤️❤️❤️ _

_ Barron: Love you too <3  _

_ Barron has left the chat  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: I- he never even joined  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I knowww, that my Barron. Always there unexpectedly.🤷♀️ _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: It’s true, we found him in a tree  _

_ Melatonin: Good, that’s where Donald left him  _

_ Uncle Doug: I- _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Anywayyssss, Jojo and Jess are my personal favourite! _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: YES STAN THEM. PERIODT.  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I mean the fact that Jojo is GAY!!!! It makes everything so much better!!  _

_ Mommy Pence: Honestly…. Kind of iconic, not gonna lie. Like, YUHHH GET INTO IT  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Imma find a way to befriend Holly, Christi, and Kelly, gtg! _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch has left the chat _

_ Uncle Doug: Yes girl! Do it! I believe in youuu!! _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 12:00pm _

_ Jilly: Joe, is there anyway you can get me to meet some of the moms from Dance Moms? _

_ Joey: I don’t know Jill, I mean I could try. How would I even go about it?  _

_ Jilly: IDK, find a way. You’re the President for a reason  _

_ Joey: Ok, but Jilly. You do realize I'm the president. _

_ Jilly: Bitch thats what I said _

_ Jilly: Do it for Barron :(  _

_ Joey: FUCCCKKKKK okay okay. I’ll talk to Abby  _

_ Jilly: Thank you :D _

_ Jilly: WAIT  _

_ Jilly: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABBY  _

_ Joey: …. I used to be a dancer  _

_ Jilly: WHEN  _

_ Joey: No questions asked  _

_ Joey: Permission denied  _

_ Joey: You have been stopped  _

_ Joey has left the chat  _

_ Jilly: What in the world  _

###  _ 12:30pm _

_ Joey: I did it  _

_ Jilly: Did what? _

_ Joey: I-  _

_ Jilly: Ohhhhh, you stopped the racists from taking over America?! _

_ Joey: I- girl. I talked to Abby. You can be on the podcast, you’re replacing Jill!! _

_ Jilly: Bitch I didn’t ask for that, I’m not emotionally ready 😭😭 _

_ Jilly: Did you get their numbers? _

_ Joey: OH SHIT I FORGET. ONE SEC  _

_ Jilly: Bitch I-  _

###  _ 1:00pm _

_ Joey: OKAY  _

_ Joey: Okay I did :)  _

_ Jilly: THANKS JOEY  _

_ Jilly: I’M SO EXCITED  _

_ Joey: :)) I’ll add y’all in a gc then leave y’all to be _

_ Jilly: YAY :D:D:D:D:D:D:D _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 1:10pm _

_ Joe Biden added Jill Biden, Holly Fraizer, Christi Lukasiak, and Kelly Hyland to the chat  _

_ Joe Biden left the chat  _

_ Kelly Hyland named the chat Wine Moms 🤪🍷 _

_ Kelly Hyland changed their name to NotADingBat  _

_ Christi Lukasiak changed their name to DiscoBall  _

_ Holly Fraizer changed their name to Dr. Holly  _

_ Jill Biden changed their name to Dr. Jill  _

_ Dr. Jill: Hey Queens, sorry if Joe made things awkward  _

_ DiscoBall: Hey girl, all good. Chloe talked to him for me anyways _

_ NotADingBat: Its an honour to be here especially without Jill and Melissa _

_ Dr. Holly: Dr. Biden, it’s wonderful to meet you  _

_ Dr. Jill: Sis, call me Jill-  _

_ Dr. Holly: Oh my god okay!! Call me Holly :D  _

_ DiscoBall: Oh my god, Holly’s fangirling again  _

_ NotADingBat: What’s fangirling? Brooke and Paige don’t keep me in the loop D:  _

_ DiscoBall: Kelly, I-  _

_ Dr. Holly: So anyways, Jill, how do you know us? I can’t imagine anyone watched Dance Moms anymore _

_ Dr. Jill: Actually, Barron introduced me to Dance Moms :D  _

_ DiscoBall: Wait… is he living with you guys??? _

_ Dr. Jill: That’s a secret I can never tell. Xoxo, Gossip Girl  _

_ NotADingBat: OMG SHE WATCHES GOSSIP GIRL  _

_ Dr. Holly: I’ll take that as a yes  _

_ DiscoBall: Anyways, what season of Dance Moms are you on? _

_ Dr. Jill: Season 3 _

_ NotADingBat: Oh girl, it gets crazier  _

_ Dr. Jill: I’m not ready D:  _

_ Dr. Holly: Good luck, it’s emotionally scarring  _

_ NotADingBat: We should all go drinking!  _

_ DiscoBall: PLEASE  _

_ Dr. Jill: When? _

_ NotADingBat: Tonight? _

_ Dr. Holly: That works for me  _

_ Dr. Jill: OMG, do you guys wanna meet Michelle?  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Holly: OH MY GOD  _

_ Dr. Jill: What?! You’ve never met her before? _

_ DiscoBall: ajkrnjkwqnrdjkwnekjnbwejknjn Holly’s fangirling again  _

_ NotADingBat: Wait? what’s going on?! _

_ DiscoBall: Holly’s fangirling again  _

_ Dr. Holly: I am not fangirling, I’m just respectfully flipping out over a person I would die for.  _

_ NotADingBat: So that’s fangirling? _

_ DiscoBall: Yeah  _

_ NotADingBat: So me with Channing Tatum?  _

_ DiscoBall: Yeah  _

_ Dr. Jill: I just need to know if y’all want to meet her or not? No pressure though _

_ Dr. Holly: YES  _

_ DiscoBall: That would be dope  _

_ NotADingBat: Yeah, I’d be down  _

_ Dr. Jill added Michelle Obama to the chat  _

_ Michelle Obama changed their name to MObama  _

_ Dr Holly: HI MOBAMA!! I mean Michelle Obama. I do have a degree, just to let you know. And I do love turnips! _

_ DiscoBall: Jesus Christ, Holly  _

_ MObama: Sis just call me Michelle!  _

_ MObama: Jilly, what’s this chat?  _

_ Dr. Jill: You’re gonna die when I tell you. I'M GONNA BE ON THE PODCASTTTTTTT! _

_ MObama: Wait what podcast, also who are these people. WAIT?!!!! Is this Christi, Kelly and Queen Holly? _

_ Dr. Holly: I mean-I’m not a queen. But uh ooh my gosh t-thank you. I’m so flattered. _

_ NotADingBat: Can I add Cathy? I want drama  _

_ DiscoBall: You really are a dingbat, aren’t you? _

_ Dr. Jill: YES DO IT PLEASE _

_ NotADingBat added Cathy Nesbitt to the chat  _

_ Cathy Nesbitt changed their name to CandyApplesRules  _

_ CandyApplesRules: Who in the word added me to a chat called “Wine Moms?” Is that Kelly and Christi? I knew I could smell failure through a screen  _

_ DiscoBall: Listen Cathy, I beat you once. I can do it again. Periodt _

_ MObama: PERIODT  _

_ Dr. Jill: Oh my god, Cathy really did that-  _

_ CandyApplesRules: And who are you? We have another ‘doctor’ in this chat? I had enough of that with miss I-have-a-degree _

_ MObama: Don’t ever talk to my woman like that. She is ms. first lady of the America’s. You can not speak to her like that _

_ Dr. Jill: Oh my gooodd, keep defending me Michelly 😏😏😏😏😏😏 _

_ NotADingBat: AHHHHH I’m dying over here  _

_ CandyApplesRules: Oh my lord, I had no clue I was in the presence of the First Lady and the former First Lady, my bad _

_ DiscoBat: TOO LATE, BITCH  _

_ Dr. Jill: It’s really okay, I’m just like you except I have a degree and a phd. But nonetheless I’m the same.  _

_ Dr. Holly: Dr First Lady Jill Biden really just did that  _

_ DiscoBall: As she should  _

_ CandyApplesRules: Shut up Disco Ball  _

_ DiscoBall: I-  _

_ NotADingBat: If you come for my best friend again, I will show your ass hood  _

_ CandyApplesRules: Shut the blank up  _

_ DiscoBall: Oh no  _

_ MObama: What’s happening? _

_ Dr. Jill: SHHH THEY’RE QUOTING THE DANCE MOMS  _

_ MObama: I- okay Imma go, Barron keeps asking me for help on his homework  _

_ MObama has left the chat  _

_ CandyApplesRules: I should go too,Vivi cut her finger on my ring  _

_ CandyApplesRules left the chat  _

_ Dr. Jill: Joey needs me, he ate too much ice cream and Barack’s at an interview- see y’all tonight for drinks! _

_ Dr. Jill has left the chat  _

_ Dr. Holly: Okay!!! Can’t wait!! Ahhhhhhhh _

_ Dr. Holly has left the chat _

_ NotADingBat: Hey Christi wanna do pregame before? _

_ DiscoBall: Kelly, I’ve already been pregaming since eleven.  _

_ NotADingBat: So is that a yes….? _

_ DiscoBall: Yeah, I’ll meet you in half an hour  _

_ DiscoBall has left the chat  _

_ NotADingBat has left the chat  _

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 2:43pm _

_ Bad Bitch: Hey guys  _

_ Bad Bitch: I have an idea  _

_ Daddy Biden: What’s your idea? _

_ Bad Bitch: Let’s go on a double date  _

_ King Barack: Okay! _

_ Bad Bitch: But without Trump and Pence _

_ King Barack: Even better  _

_ Panicked Gay: Oh okay  _

_ Cheetoman: It’s ok, since Melanie left me I don’t have any money. I can’t even afford chicken nuggies. _

_ Bad Bitch: How much money do you have? _

_ Cheetoman: I have 69 cents. _

_ Bad Bitch: You know what that means?!😏 _

_ CheetoMan: I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR CHICKEN NUGGIES!!! OR DIET COKE _

_ Bad Bitch: You should start an OnlyFans  _

_ Aunty Kamala: What’s an OnlyFans? _

_ Bad Bitch: It’s basically where bad bitches go to aquire money for self made videos and photos _

_ Aunty Kamala: So like tik tok? _

_ Daddy Biden: I think so???  _

_ King Barack: I think so  _

_ CheetoMan: AOC should start an OnlyFans😏 _

_ Bad Bitch has removed CheetoMan from the chat _

_ Bad Bitch: That manchild is disgusting 🤮 🤮🤮 _

_ Aunty Kamala: Wait what was wrong with him suggesting you open an OnlyFans? It seems just like Tik Tok. Meena loves Tik Tok, I wonder if she’s heard of OnlyFans _

_ Bad Bitch: OMG NO! Basically OnlyFans is where people post half nude videos and scandalous pictures, for that coin hunty. _

_ Daddy Biden: Make that cone, periodt sis  _

_ King Barack: 😳 oh no, I can’t believe that Kamala suggested her niece get an OnlyFans  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Omg no, no, no, no. I feel so gross. But like yay sex workers!! But like not my niece. Well I mean technically I don’t care if she’s a sex worker. But I don’t wanna think about that!! _

_ Bad Bitch: I’m gonna tell Meena you think she should open an OnlyFans _

_ Aunty Kamala: Omg nooo!!  _

_ Bad Bitch has added Meena Harris to the chat  _

_ Meena Harris changed their name to Meena  _

_ Meena: sup  _

_ Bad Bitch: Your Aunty thinks you should open an OnlyFans  _

_ Meena: I- 👁👄👁 _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alex stop twisting my words around!!! _

_ King Barack: It’s true, she thinks you should  _

_ Panicked Gay: Yeah, she said so herself  _

_ Daddy Biden: Period  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Noo stoppp, it’s just like middle school all over again. _

_ Meena: 👁👄👁 _

_ Meena: I don’t know how to feel about this  _

_ Meena: I would but I’m not confident enough  _

_ Bad Bitch: Girl have you seen yourself? Flawless. You could get that coin  _

_ Meena: Oh my god  _

_ Bad Bitch: Your hair? Iconic. Your face? Iconic. Your legs? Iconic.  _

_ Daddy Biden: Hotel? Trivago _

_ King Barack: Joe, stop  _

_ Daddy Biden: No, you’re not Jill  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alex!!!! Stop flirting with my niece! _

_ Bad Bitch: Your body? Iconic. Your attitude? Iconic. Your political views? Iconic. Your aunt? Iconic?  _

_ Meena: How did this turn to being about her?  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Omggggg, Alexxx. Stopppp🥺🥺 I’m not iconic _

_ Bad Bitch: You’re very iconic. You’re the first female vp and you’re hot as hell. I C O N I C  _

_ Meena: Ew stop flirting, I’m gonna be sick _

_ Bad Bitch: I’m your other aunt now, I just wanna say I couldn’t be prouder.  _

_ Meena: I’M OLDER THAN YOU  _

_ Panicked Gay: 👁👄👁 _

_ Panicked Gay: Kamala’s niece is older than Kamala’s girlfriend?  _

_ Meena: EXACTLY!! I mean not to say that I don’t like you guys together, cause I mean iconic. But stop treating me like a child ALeX!! _

_ Bad Bitch: … I’ll buy you alcohol  _

_ Meena: I can buy my own alcohol  _

_ Bad Bitch: … _

_ Bad Bitch: KAMALA, YOUR NIECE IS BEING MEAN TO ME _

_ Aunty Kamala: DAMN IT MEENA!! But also I don’t mind since you were bullying me like 5 mins ago. _

_ Daddy Biden: BAHAHAHAHAHA _

_ King Barack: Lmao sucks to be you rn  _

_ Panicked Gay: LOL loser  _

_ Meena: haha  _

_ Bad Bitch: 👁👄👁 _

_ Bad Bitch: Wow okay, fuck all y’all  _

_ Bad Bitch has left the chat _

_ Aunty Kamala: Oh shit y’all I gotta console her. I’ll be back. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee _

_ Aunty Kamala has left the chat _

_ Meena: Can I stay here? Please?  _

_ Daddy Biden: Of course Queen _

##  *Meanwhile*

_ 3:47pm  _

_ Harris: Alex don’t be mad  _

_ Harris: ….  _

_ Harris: Alex, I know you can read my texts, it says “Read 3:51 PM” _

_ Alex: I’m not mad, I just hurt 😔  _

_ Harris: But why :(  _

_ Alex: Because Meena don’t like me  _

_ Harris: That’s not true! She loves you  _

_ Alex: But she said she can get alcohol by herself🥺🥺🥺 _

_ Harris: That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you! _

_ Alex: Yes it does, everyone knows if you like a person you let them buy alcohol for you _

_ Harris: No…??  _

_ Alex: Yes _

_ Harris has added Meena Harris to the chat  _

_ Meena Harris changed their name to Meena  _

_ Alex has left the chat _

_ Harris has added Alex back to the chat _

_ Alex: I don’t wanna _

_ Harris: Alex.  _

_ Meena: Why am I here? _

_ Harris: Do you dislike Alex? _

_ Meena: What? Of course not  _

_ Harris: You see? _

_ Alex: But you wouldn’t let me buy you alcohol, and I just got to do that 10 years ago. _

_ Meena: I- _

_ Meena: I didn’t want you wasting money on me  _

_ Alex: But I’m not wasting money, I want to buy you alcohol.  _

_ Meena: Okay okay, buy me a Smirnoff then  _

_ Alex: Okay! Yay! I’m happy now.☺️ _

_ Harris: Wow that was something else  _

_ Meena: Did it just hit you how much younger than you she is? _

_ Harris: I-  _

_ Alex: But I love her, so it doesn’t matter. _

_ Harris: You love me? _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, AOC just told Madame Vice President, Momala Kamala Harris that she loves her  _

_ Alex: Nah jk _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, AOC just took it back  _

_ Harris: Wow ouch  _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, Madame Vice President, Momala Kamala Harris’ feelings are hurt  _

_ Alex: Meena, what are you doing. And kidding, of course I love you  _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, AOC just questioned me and she does actually love Madame Vice President, Momala Kamala Harris. _

_ Harris: Aweee, I love you too  _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, Madame Vice President, Momala Kamala Harris loves AOC back  _

_ Alex: How is that not bothering you? _

_ Harris: At this point, she’s just background noise to me  _

_ Meena: Ladies and ladies, this just in, Madame Vice President, Momala Kamala Harris has hurt my feelings  _

_ Alex has removed Meena from the chat  _


	7. Chapter Seven: Fuck Around and See What Happens

##  **ThE BarbZ TriO:**

_ 6:00 pm _

_ Bad Bitch: Bad biddies, where are we going for our double date, ye luv? _

_ Daddy Biden: How about we go to Baskin Robbins?!?! _

_ Meena: Can I come? _

_ Bad Bitch: Ofc! I can finally buy you your smirnoff. Just make sure to come with your husband tho. No single ladies tonight. _

_ Daddy Biden: But it’s a double date, not a double date plus Meena. _

_ Meena: Oh ok, nevermind😔😔😔 _

_ King Barack: BIDEN!!! Why would say that!?!? _

_ Daddy Biden: I DIDN’T SEE THE PART WHERE ALEX SAID TO BRING HER HUSBAND  _

_ Meena: So I can come?!!!! _

_ Aunty Kamala: I-  _

_ Daddy Biden: Of course you can come, anyone that’s related to Kamala is family.  _

_ Meena: AWE <3  _

_ Meena: ALSO go like my new tiktok  _

_ Daddy Biden: Already doing it now sis _

_ Aunty Kamala: Already did it girl. I was your first like.  _

_ Bad Bitch: No I was first!! _

_ King Barack: Ma’am teach me how to dance like that please  _

_ Meena: No ❤️ _

_ King Barack: Please  _

_ Meena: No ❤️ _

_ King Barack: Pwease :(  _

_ Meena: No❤️ _

_ Aunty Kamala: Meena, do it _

_ Meena: Damn okay, bossy aunty coming in strong. _

_ Aunty Kamala: Meena don’t test me  _

_ Meena: You’re not my mom!!🤪🤪 _

_ Aunty Kamala: Meena, ISTG _

_ Meena: I’m gonna go tell on you _

_ Aunty Kamala:  _

_ _

_ Meena: Bet! _

_ Bad Bitch: Whoa, whoa. Ladies let’s talk this out.  _

_ Panicked Gay: Woah woah woah. Don’t get all hoodrat  _

_ Daddy Biden: Can we get chicken strips? _

_ Meena: I’m still telling on you, aUnTy _

_ Aunty Kamala: I got your mama's number right here, you want me to put you on blast? _

_ Meena: Try me bitch  _

_ King Barack: oh my god, she just called her aunt a bitch-  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I’m calling her right now, you got one last chance to say you’re sorry _

_ Meena: Do it bitch  _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gawd  _

_ 6:30 pm _

_ Meena: Omg she really did it. _

_ Aunty Kamala: Of course I did _

_ Meena: She yelled at me  _

_ Meena: It’s scary  _

_ Meena: I may be a grown ass woman but when she yells at me it’s like my life flashes before my eyes  _

_ Meena: she’s mad at me for calling you a bitch  _

_ Meena: But I said what I said  _

_ Bad Bitch: oop- periodt ig  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alex, who’s side are you on?! _

_ Bad Bitch: Yours. Yours, of course. I was just making a comment. Don’t kill me  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I got your mom's number right here, you want me to put you on blast? _

_ Bad Bitch: How do you have my moms number, I don’t even have my moms number. I DONT EVEN KNOW HER AGE!! _

_ Aunty Kamala: That’s a secret I’ll never tell, you know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl💋💋 _

_ Daddy Biden: I still want chicken strips  _

_ Meena: fuck your chicken strips  _

_ Panicked Gay: Oh my gaWd. She’s salty. That’s a lot of sodium. She need some milk  _

_ King Barack: This has been a really, really messed up week _

_ Daddy Biden: 7 days of torture, 7 days of bitter _

_ Meena: Shut the fuck up  _

_ Bad Bitch: oh my god I found my spirit animal  _

_ Aunty Kamala: See, I knew you two would hit it off. _

_ Meena: Fuck off, I’m still mad at you  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Ok, I’m kinda hurt, but I understand. I shouldn’t have called your mama, not cool of your aunty. But I still love you❤️❤️❤️ _

_ Meena: I LOVE YOU!!!!❤️❤️❤️ _

_ Meena: Time for me to remove my Kamala hate post from tiktok-  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I- _

_ Panicked Gay: Oh my gaWd _

_ Barron: oh wow she did that  _

_ King Barack: I- how did you get in here? _

_ Barron: I hacked in :D  _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gaWd _

_ Aunty Kamala: Oh my godddd! Hi barron! How are you doing? Did you do your homework _

_ Barron: Yes Queen Madame Vice President Momala Kamala Harris, my homework has been completed and handed in  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Good!  _

_ Barron: I was talking to my dad  _

_ Barron: and he said “Fuck all y’all”  _

_ Barron: Then he told me to tell y’all that Jill, sorry correction, mom* isn’t a legit doctor so idk what to do with that-  _

_ Daddy Biden: Oh he better not be talking bout my girl Jilly  _

_ Bad Bitch: I’ll deck a bitch  _

_ Barron: he also said mean words towards Ms Harris that I don’t think I should repeat  _

_ Meena: when I see Donald, it’s ON SIGHT  _

_ Aunty Kamala: It’s ok sweetie, you can say what he said it’s a safe and open space here.  _

_ Barron: Okay wellllll _

_ Barron: He called you a c*nt *ss b*tch with no brain or personality-  _

_ Meena:  _

_ _

_ Aunty Kamala: Barron sweetie, can you send him this plz. Say it’s from that bitch Harris _

_ Aunty Kamala:  _

_ _

_ King Barack: oh my god Kamala no  _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamala yes  _

_ Barron: Are you mad at me Kamala _

_ Aunty Kamala: Of course….. not, I could never be mad at you. _

_ Panicked Gay: wait why is Barron with y’all? _

_ King Barack: Cause your dumb ass boyfriend, left him with us. But he’s a gift _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gaWd  _

_ Panicked Gay has added CheetoMan to the chat  _

_ CheetoMan: Ughhh, why was I added again. I was happy without hearing Biden brag about being president every 5 seconds. _

_ Barron: Sir I-  _

_ CheetoMan: Biden I need to tell you something _

_ Daddy Biden: What is it Cheetodude  _

_ CheetoMan: The world is gonna implode  _

_ Daddy Biden: How? you don’t have any power  _

_ CheetoMan: Because ice cream is gonna be the death of everyone in the world _

_ CheetoMan: The ice cream business will implode  _

_ Daddy Biden: Don’t even joke about that shit bruh. I take ice cream way too seriously. _

_ CheetoMan: It’s true. And then the moon is gonna explode  _

_ Meena:  _

_ _

_ Aunty Kamala: Bruh cheetoman, you better stop before I call the FBI on you. _

_ CheetoMan: I’m serious, bitches  _

_ Daddy Biden has removed CheetoMan from the chat _

_ Daddy Biden: I really can’t with that ignorant slut anymore. _

_ Panicked Gay: Honestly….  _

_ Panicked Gay: kinda growing tired of him _

_ King Barack: Yesss!!!!!!! Finally, you’re seeing the ignorance. _

_ Panicked Gay: That man’s not been giving me enough attention >:( _

_ Aunty Kamala: Wait?!??? You’re growing tired of him because of that and not the blatant racism and homophobia  _

_ Panicked Gay: Well that too  _

_ Panicked Gay: But like, I need attention _

_ Meena: Bruh I-  _

_ Bad Bitch: You know what  _

_ Bad Bitch: I’d grow tired too if my girlfriend ignored me  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Well it’s a good thing, she’s not! _

_ Bad Bitch: She is  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Uh- you wanna me to put you on blast? _

_ Bad Bitch: bro im not talking abt u  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I KNOW YOU AINT GOT NO SIDECHICK!!! _

_ Bad Bitch: I’m talking abt my girlfriend who probably doesn’t know I exist :(  _

_ Aunty Kamala: What do you mean!??? I’m right here.  _

_ Bad Bitch: Lana Parrilla :(  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I- _

_ Aunty Kamala has left the chat _

_ Meena: Oh no you didn’t  _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gaWd  _

_ Daddy Biden has added Aunty Kamala to the chat  _

_ Daddy Biden: ok but u gotta admit, we all have celebrity crushes  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Yeah, but like she made me believe she had a sidekick. It wasn’t nice:( _

_ Bad Bitch: Babe I would never  _

_ Bad Bitch: But if she came along, I wouldn’t say no  _

_ Bad Bitch: KIDDING  _

_ Aunty Kamala: You better be kidding bro. Or I will bring back the chancla _

_ Meena: my celebrity crush is either Paul Rudd or Kate McKinnon  _

_ King Barack: I like George Bush :D  _

_ Daddy Biden: I guess that’s why you like me. _

_ Panicked Gay: I-  _

_ Bad Bitch: Can we go to AppleBees? I wanna get a kiddie menu to get the free dessert  _

_ Meena: what are you, five? _

_ Bad Bitch: Yeah, five inches deep in your mom  _

_ Meena: Try me! _

_ Meena: _

_ _

_ Bad Bitch: Bitch I’ll fuck ur mom if u don’t stfu  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Sorry you’re gonna fuck who? My sister?  _

_ Bad Bitch: I- I didn’t realize  _

_ Bad Bitch: u know what, yeah, to get back at Meena for being a little bitch  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Do you want to take this into a private chat Alexandria, cause I will beat yo ass up _

_ Bad Bitch: Kinky  _

_ King Barack: I-  _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gaWd  _

_ Daddy Biden: Do whatever you want on your time ladies _

_ Bad Bitch:😏😏😏😏😏 Kamala  _

_ Meena: I’m gonna go commit toaster bath  _

_ Panicked Gay: yeah me too  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Nooo Meena… You can go do it tho pence. _

_ Panicked Gay: :( I’m trying to be better  _

_ Daddy Biden: yeah :(  _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamala  _

_ Aunty Kamala: I was just joking. I’m so sorry Pence, I take full responsibility. I’m very sorry _

_ Panicked Gay: Nah jk! 😝 _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamala  _

_ Aunty Kamala: What I said I’m sorry and then he said jk _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamalaaaaaa _

_ King Barack: Can we get food? _

_ Aunty Kamala: What Alexxxx? And yes we can Barack. _

_ Daddy Biden: where we getting food? _

_ Meena: McDonalds  _

_ Bad Bitch: Kamalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa _

_ Aunty Kamala: Alexandria if you don’t stop, I won’t put out for a good month  _

_ Bad Bitch: Omg!!! Noooooo! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 _

_ Aunty Kamala: ieoienjrnejn fine  _

_ Meena: y’all need to chill  _

_ Bad Bitch: Never _

_ Daddy Biden: I just want food :(  _

_ Panicked Gay: me too  _

_ Barron has left the chat  _

_ King Barack: omg he’s been here the whole time-  _

_ Daddy Biden: Oh noo, he’s probably scarred now. _

_ Bad Bitch: Good job, Kamala Devi Harris _

_ Meena: oml she’s full naming her  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Oml I will bring out the chancla _

_ Bad Bitch: you think that scares me?  _

_ Aunty Kamala: Tru. I won’t put out for a month…. _

_ Bad Bitch: ijwbnrkjewnrjwenfjkwndjkwnejkdnwjkenkjqwnrjkqwnjkenjknqkjwenkjqnejkqwnejkqwnejkqwnejkqwnejkqwnejknqwkjenjkqwnejknqwjkenqwjkenjkqwnejknqwjknejkqwnejknqwjkrnejkqwbrjhbwqhjebjwqbrhjewbrhjebrhjwbqjhrbhjwbrjhwqjrbejwqbrjnqwjdnjkqwbfjkqwnejkwnqejknqwjknekjnwqkjnejwqbrjbhjewbrhjwbrjhwerjkbwqjbjn jf kqw jknejkrn jqwn njd flhjc ewjlh nj jbef ns dcjkn wjbe fb nc n n jhwjhehjrbjenrjnwjrnwrjwnrjnwjjjnjnjnjnjrnjwrjwnjrnwjrnjwrnwjjjjjjj _

_ King Barack: I think u killed her  _

_ Daddy Biden: I think she just had a stroke _

_ Panicked Gay: oh my gaWd she broken _

_ Meena: Damn ok u really withholding sex cuz she full named you-  _

_ Aunty Kamala: This is how a healthy relationship works, Meena _

_ Meena: bitch i don’t think so-  _

##  **Bad Bitches of America:**

_ 8:23pm  _

_ Uncle Doug: Hey bitches  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! What's up Doug🤪🤪🤪 _

_ Mommy Pence: I got my driver license last week  _

_ Mommy Pence: Just like we always talked about  _

_ Mommy Pence: ‘Cause you were so excited for me  _

_ Mommy Pence: To finally drive up to your house  _

_ Mommy Pence: But today I drove through the suburbs  _

_ Mommy Pence: Cryin’ cause you weren’t around  _

_ Mommy Pence: And you’re probably with that blonde girl  _

_ Mommy Pence: That always made me doubt  _

_ Mommy Pence: She’s so much older than me  _

_ Mommy Pence: She’s everything I’m insecure about  _

_ Mommy Pence: Yeah today I drove through the suburbs  _

_ Mommy Pence: Cuz how could I ever love someone else?  _

_ Mommy Pence:  _ _ And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one _

_ Mommy Pence: And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone _

_ Mommy Pence: Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me _

_ Mommy Pence: 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street _

_ Mommy Pence: RED LIGHTS, STOP SIGNS _

_ Mommy Pence: I STILL SEE YOUR FACEE IN THE WHITE CARS, FRONT YARDS _

_ Mommy Pence: CAN'T GO PAST THE PLACES WE USED TO GO TO, CAUSE I STILL F*CKING LOVE YOU BABEEEEEEEEEEEEE _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: What the fuck _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Karen are you okay? _

_ Mommy Pence: SIDEWALKS WE CROSSED, I STILL HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE TRAFFIC, WERE LAUGHING _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: Someone shut her up  _

_ Melatonin: no stop dont be mean  _

_ Melatonin: She’s obviously going through it  _

_ Melatonin: Karen, sweetie, who hurt you? Cuz we know it’s not Mike  _

_ Mommy Pence: OVER ALL THE NOISE, GOD IM SO BLUEE, KNOW WERE THROUGH. CAUSE I STILL FUCKKNG LOVE YOU BABEEEEEEEE. _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: girl, who hurt you? _

_ Mommy Pence: I hate life _

_ Uncle Doug: Girl same but why?  _

_ Mommy Pence: I just got “diagnosed” with depression _

_ Uncle Doug: Oh so you got diagnosed from a doctor right? _

_ Mommy Pence: No, I just webmded it and took a buzzfeed quiz. So like I’ve been diagnosed. _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: oh my fucking god  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: if you think you have depression, see a doctor please ma’am  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass bitch: Yeah  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: No fake diagnosing in this chat ma’am _

_ Mommy Pence: You guys just like don’t get it. Ughh, it’s not a phase guys! _

_ Melatonin: Sweetie no  _

_ Mommy Pence: You don’t understand mom!! _

_ Mommy Pence has left the chat _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Michelly  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Yes Jilly _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Alex is asking us if we wanna join her and Kamala on a quadruple date _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: Girl do they even have restaurants that have long enough tables for that?  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: duh. So yes?  _

_ Queen Nicki,dominant,prominent. It’s me Jessi and Ari, if they test me they're sorry: I mean yeah sure, as long as I get time after with my Jilly. _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: AWEEEE <3  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: AWE MY MOMS <3  _

_ Uncle Doug: Awwwwwwwwwww, I love you guysss❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: iwfnrjewknfjewnrj AWE YOU GUYS!  _

_ Melatonin: who y’all going with? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: Kamala and Alex, Barack and Joe, and Meena and her husband Nik  _

_ Mr. X Bad Bitch: That’s a lot of sodium  _

_ Uncle Doug: Wait! Can I come? _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: I’ll ask Alex  _

_ Dr. Hot Ass Bitch: She said you need a plus one  _

_ Mr. X bad Bitch: I’LL COMEEEEE! _

_ Uncle Doug: OKAY PERIODT  _ __   
  


##  *Meanwhile*

Packed away in the back of a karaoke bar like a tin of sardines, sat 5 couples(10 people in total, in case y'all don’t know math). The couple sat there drinking their alcohol. Michelle and Jill with a nice cheap wine, Meena and Nik with some questionable long island iced teas, Kamala and Alex with some margaritas, Riley and Doug with old fashions, Barack with a simple beer and of course Biden with an alcoholic milkshake. “So…. does anyone have any tea?” Meena asked. “What do you mean? Aren’t you drinking iced tea?” Jill asked. “No, honey, she meant like gossip.” Michelle said. “Ohhh. Then no.” Jill said. “Karen was texting us song lyrics.” Doug said. “What song was she texting?” Kamala asked. “Driver’s License.” Riley said. “Stupid song.” Joe mumbled and sipped his milkshake. After a few moments they hear one of their bodyguards tearing up. “A-are you okay?” Joe asked as he turned his head towards him. “Y-yeah I’m O-okay” he sniffles and tries to hold back the tears. “Are you sure?” Jill asked slightly concerned. “Y-yeah I’m just listening to D-drivers license.” He says fully weeping now. Joe puts his head down “for the love of god.” he says, annoyed and tired. Barack rubs Joes back up and down to console him. “It’s okay, the man has a point though. That song is very emotional. I wonder who hurt the bodyguard, least importantly Karen?” he said. “It’s true, I cried while listening to it and I cry over nothing.” Alex said. “That’s not true, you cried when aunty Kamala got you flowers.” Meena said. “That’s different!” Alex said. “How??” Nik asked. “It just is!” Alex said. “Meena, do you want me to put you on blast again?” Kamala asked. Meena suddenly turned quiet and hid in the corner of the booth. “No thank you aunty.” she replied. Barack grabbed his phone and turned it on, swiping through his gallery before turning his phone screen over for Meena to see. It was the meme of Kamala saying ‘Fuck Around and See What Happens.’ Kamala quickly turned to Barack “Don’t make me put you on blast Barack, only I can make my niece feel bad.” She quickly replied. “Period. Wait, no.” Meena said. “How about no one makes me feel bad?” She suggested. “No, it’s more fun to make fun of you.” Nik said. “I regret coming here.” Michelle said. “I hate it here.” Meena mumbled. We wrap up the night with some karaoke. Jill and Michelle are first. Michelle looks at Jill seriously “You, ready Jill?” Jill quickly turned her eyes and looked at Michelle with an intense expression “As ready as I’ll ever be.” she said. Barack looked at Joe “It’s just karaoke, why are they so intense?” Barack asked. “Shut up Barack you don’t get it. Plus it’s Jill, when is she not intense?”. Single Ladies starts playing. Michelle and Jill start moving their hands like Beyoncé did in Single Ladies and singing. Meena gasped and hurried out of the booth, climbing over Kamala, Alex, and Nik “I KNOW THE DANCE!” she screamed as she ran to the stage. She intercepted between Jill and Michelle and took center stage. She starts dancing to the choreography to a t. “What is she doing?” Alex asked Kamala. “The Single Ladies dance, duh.” Kamala replied. The song eventually ended and the three ladies went back to the booth. “Ok my turn!” Doug said, now a bit drunk after one too many drinks. He and Riley went up and picked a song. The song they chose? I Want It The Way. The music started and they sang dramatically. Once the chorus hit and they got past the ‘Ain’t nothing but a heartache’ line, Alex shouted “NOW NUMBER FIVE!”, being the true Brooklyn Nine Nine stan that she is. Joe quickly turned his head to Alex a bit confused but not stunned. “It was number five, number five killed my brother” Barack whispered into Alex’s ear. Alex looked at him with a shocked expression. “I totally forgot about that.”. The two guys hopped off the stage and Alex decided to take the stage with Meena. “We will be singing Fergalicious.” Meena said. “And then we will be singing Toxic.” Alex said. The music to their first song started and the two girls started singing along. Poorly. Because they also drank too much. The waitress comes to the table. “Um sir, we're closed” she told Joe very nicely. “So, I’m the President.” he said, very drunk from his milkshake.. “Um sir, we don’t have a President. This is Canada.” she said. “Huh?” Joe asked, very confused before almost passing out in Barack’s arms. Alex stopped singing. “WAIT! Where in Canada are we?” She asked. The bodyguard very quickly replied. “You’re in Saskatoon, why do you think we all have these gigantic coats?” Joe seemed to have too many milkshakes and is now passed out, sleeping in Barack’s arms. “Aww man! I wanted to see my man Jagmeet!” Alex said “Can we take a trip?!!!” She asked very excitedly, wanting to meet with her among us baddies. “I mean I don’t see why not?” The bodyguard said. “We have a plane, from here to there it would take approximately 6 hours.” he said. “To…. where are we going?” Alex asked. “Ottawa.” he said. “Damn it! Ottawa sucks.” Jill mumbled. “To Ottawa!” Alex said. 


End file.
